When she found herself in a position where she felt like she couldn't be happy for someone because it rubbed in her face what she didn't have, she made a point of calling me and saying, "I get how you probably felt when I got married. I'm really sorry if me getting married caused you pain. Do you forgive me for it?"
I don't feel like there's anything for me to forgive. You can't not live your life, because I'm stuck here at this Waiting Place in mine by no fault of my own. I'm not hurt by you, I'm not upset at you, I'm hurt by the situation, I'm upset at where I am...that has nothing to do with you.
I truly wish I could be completely happy for all those friends and relatives who celebrate these milestones ahead of me. It's just really hard. I feel like my joy would be that much more complete if I wasn't still here in this place trying to navigate the same crazy dating maze. (Some of them were in elementary school when I started dating!) It's hard to be as happy for other people when their happiness causes me pain simply because it reminds me that everyone else has what I want and I can't/don't have it (at least right now and don't know when I will).
It starts me down the rabbit hole of when will it be my turn, am I destined to grow old alone, where is my light at the end of the tunnel, why am I so stuck, what is wrong with me, just hurting... How do I hold onto happiness?
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