Meeting Shadchanim

There are two types of shadchanim: those that are nice and genuinely want to help, and then there are those that look down their nose at people, try their best to intimidate them and tell them why their not married.

Many people, girls especially, feel like meeting shadchanim can be dehumanizing. They become less of a person and more of facts on a paper or maybe even a statistic.

I once met a shadchan who asked me yes or no questions, checking off boxes in his database. Baal teshuva okay? Divorced home? Beard? Sfardi background? Colored shirts?

Honestly, asking about type, personality, and if there are any deal breakers for me would have been more efficient.

It's especially nice when shadchanim sit with you and get to know you as a person. Maybe they know someone for me, or maybe they don't, but at least they made me feel like a person and not an item.

There are those that think they know all reasons why singles are not married, and they are going to fix all the issues. Once a shadchan told me that what I'm looking for doesn't exist. He asked me to name him the yeshiva that someone who was a "good try" went to. When I did, he told me that, "That's the bottom of the barrel. You don't want a boy from there. Besides, those guys are batteling all day. The person you dated for sure did x,y,z." I know for a fact the guy did not, but the shadchan knows better even if I never told him the name of the "good try."

Another instance, a shadchan, after talking to me for a couple minutes about what I'm looking for, said to me, "You don't want to be 30 and not married, so what do you feel you should compromise on?" Who the heck do you think you are to tell me that? You asked what I'm looking for. I told you what I want, the types that generally work for me, but I never said that I wouldn't consider anyone that didn't match all these criteria. And I told her as much (in a much sweeter way). She wouldn't take that from me. "You might say that, but you're not married, so are you really compromising?"

Sometimes I'll meet a shadchan and s/he wants to know, "So, what isn't working for you?" or "Tell me someone you dated seriously and why it didn't work." I get that they need a reference point, but first off, this can get into lashon hara very quickly, and second of all, I can't help it if you don't know any of the fellows I dated or don't know the guy like I do, so you can't understand what I mean. I can tell you that what I'm looking for is a bit of a unique blend, but what about all those singles that are looking for someone more cut and dry but just aren't married yet?

At the end of the day Hashem is m'zaveg zivugim and meeting shadchanim is just jellybeans, but sometimes it's just really tiresome.