Five Weeks Clean and Counting

One night during the time we were dating, I turned to BG and I said, "I think I'm addicted to you." He was flattered, but I didn't really mean it in a good way. I loved the way he made me feel, couldn't stop thinking about him, and never wanted to say goodbye at the end of the night. Yet, I wasn't ever sure that our relationship was a healthy one. Even so, I couldn't stop thinking about him and wanting to spend time with him. We spent way too much time together at the detriment of other important things in our lives. Sounds like an addiction to me.

Quitting cold turkey was extremely hard. Still, I didn't really quit 100%. I haven't talked to him, seen him, spent time with him, or anything like that, but I can't stop myself from thinking about him. Plus, I've talked about him a lot in the last couple of weeks. Some days I've been great. My head's totally clear, I feel really good, I'm so over him. Other days, well, they're not as great. Specific things bring on relapses, and they're sooo frustrating. I find myself bemoaning the fact that I was in such a good place and now I'm back at square one. Thus is life. We win some, we lose some. Small steps forward, some steps backward. It's all part of the process. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Tonight is our break-up anniversary and I'm feeling surprisingly good...at least about the break-up. It's not really about BG anymore, it's more about missing the amazing feeling of being in a close relationship with someone. That feeling of connection, someone thinking you're their whole world and him being your world. That's what this is about. Being single, or being in the beginning stages of a relationship that you don't see going anywhere, is really hard after feeling what it's like to be in that relationship.

I know I can't hold onto him anymore, it's making my life really hard. I'm trying to let go. So, it's important to recognize these five weeks. It's been five whole weeks since I've spoken to him. That has to be clean enough. Thinking about him or even talking about him doesn't give me a high, it's not the same fix as interacting with him. So ya, it's been five whole clean weeks. Congrats to me.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Or at least that's what they say
How long does it take to kick in though
It certainly doesn't happen in a day

I hit a roadblock
And I'm facing adversity
It leaves me feeling vulnerable
And full of uncertainty

But at some point I know that
This situation will help me
When I face other hardships
It'll be easier to a certain degree

Yet that's only so because it'll mean
I've lost my innocence and naiveté
Things I wish I could've held onto
And not let be torn away

Scar tissue is stronger
I know that that is true
And building strong muscles takes
Pain endurance too

One can't be sheltered his whole life
He needs to go through tough stuff and grow
G-d gives you only what you can handle
This truth you must hold onto and know

The Door Is Jammed

Moving on to the next chapter and trying to close the door,
Yet it refuses to stay shut and defiantly remains ajar.

No matter how hard I try to fill the crack and not let things through,
Thoughts manage to seep in and from all those memories I cannot eschew.

You're still with me in some manner occupying space within my mind,
Now that we've met it feels as if our lives will forever be intertwined.

I said goodbye and want to move on, not hold onto you anymore,
My thoughts though have been captured, prisoners of this war.

Hanging in there and time, that's what will help get me through,
There isn't that much to fix this, any more, that I can do.

Goodbye BG, we're done, and I need to let you go,
Please just send back that part of me that you've got held in escrow.

Will You Be My...Rebound?

The whole concept of a rebound relationship is getting into another relationship too soon (emotionally) after breaking off another significant relationship. In many cases, it's used to mask the emotional pain, have a connection with someone else just to stop feeling vulnerable and alone. With shidduch dating it gets a little more complicated.

I said "no," or rather, "not right now," to the guy who I got a "yes" from about a week after my big break-up. We agreed that if we were both available after he's done finals then we'll go out possibly. Another guy who sounded more on par was on the horizon, but then this boy came up and made it through the vetting process.

So...coming back from my first date post break-up, I know this guy just isn't rebound material. It's a good thing, I'm pretty sure. With him, I'm forced to be Miss Good Girl. Yeah, she's in there somewhere, even if Mr. Ex brought out my super fun party flirty side (even as we were being serious about life). I don't think this guy will last too long, but we do second dates for a reason, right? He's a good guy, nothing's wrong...just too nicey nice and straight to be my type. Can't say no for that reason, can I? Not yet.

I want to date the bad boy, but I don't necessarily want to marry him. Mr. Ex about got that right when he asked me if he could be my boyfriend. Trouble is, that doesn't really work out too well in a shomer negia world, plus it's stupid because I want to get married, not just date. And yet, I don't want to marry Mr. Straight Nicey Nice either. There must be a middle ground here! Just a little shtoltz, not major guyva.

A few years ago, the only other time I dated a guy long enough to actually be able to call it a real relationship, I definitely rebounded after we broke up. What'd I know from rebounds? Two weeks after I broke up with the guy I'd just dated for two months, I went out with this other new guy. I don't think I appreciated it at the time, but he was a dude. I can't remember much about him, aside from the inappropriate comments he made -- I take some responsibility for that I guess -- and that he was a serial dater.

The fact that he was a serial dater probably had what to do with his reaction to me. Here's this guy who dates another girl every weekend, and they all start blurring together. They're all the same after awhile. So then he meets this girl who's totally rebounding and relating to him like she's known him for awhile, and he's flattered so much he thinks that she's the one. I'm not going to go into what happened from there, but take my word for it that it was bad news. Basically, I broke it off after a few dates for a legit reason and he had no clue what hit him.

I get where he was coming from. He takes the girl home and she sits in his car in front of her house and shmoozes for another hour. Heck, I was just used to doing that; it'd become the norm for me. He made some comment about my facial expressions and I challenged him to guess what they all meant. Two Month Guy could read them all, I expected Rebound Guy to do that too for no logical reason. This guy kinda blurred into the other guy, and it really wasn't about Rebound Guy at all. All those feelings, those were about Two Months.

This time around, I'm trying my best not to rebound. I waited almost a full month to date since the break-up, and I've healed a lot. The problem is that this current guy I'm pretty sure knows Mr. Ex, but I only know this because they go to the same yeshiva and other such identifying details. I'm not sure if he knows I dated (read: was in a serious relationship with) his friend, maybe even roommate (?) ... less than a month ago at that. I want to ask, but I was warned against it for so many reasons. Either way, like I said, he's not the rebound type. I don't feel comfortable just being myself and saying whatever whenever. I guess that's a good thing. I guess that means I don't like him. I guess that means I shouldn't waste his time or mine. So, the position's open...will you be my rebound?

On Breaking Up

Just hanging in there...you know, fake it 'til ya make it! I don't really have a choice, do I? It's been hard, but I think it's getting a little easier. Everything reminds me of him, and sometimes I just get this overwhelming sense of sadness and...maybe guilt? These feelings are kind of hard to define. They just make me feel really down and unmotivated. But, it's only been a week and some of that is going away already.

This past week my mind felt like a scratched disk, playing the same "few" scenes over and over, and then there's the fantasizing and daydreams...At least I can just accept it for what it is and know that it's a normal and healthy reaction to this breakup...especially this breakup. It'll take time, but eventually things will get better.

Also, now I'm back to the same stresses as before (ie. work stuff), which is hard in it of itself. While I was preoccupied those stresses didn't really matter at all, now I have to deal with them again, so that's its own thing. Im"yH some other distraction will come up soon, I hope. I don't actually believe that, but I'm trying. Everyone says that I'm so strong and whatever, but I'm just wondering what not being like this would look like? I'd like to try that on for size!

So it's really not major guilt...just like feeling bad for him/not being able to save the world kind of thing, letting it go on as long as it did if it had to end, and just being the catalyst to a myriad of things he then felt comfortable doing/telling me (which all of it of course only makes it harder for me and presumably for him). It's not my fault that he was infatuated with me and so emotionally open he felt comfortable telling it all to me, right?

Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't actually think that therapy would help, though not because I'm shying away from the idea. I'm all for it...mental healthcare is what I do for a living. Yet, I think this is mostly about time and moving on. It's not like I'm stuck on him or can't/don't know how to talk about it. I've talked about it probably to a fault. I've over-analyzed it to the point that I know why we couldn't work and thus don't want to marry him and therefore can't date each other. And like he says, we'd never make it as friends, we like each other too much.

Now it's mostly just about missing him, constantly wanting to share things with him, sensing this gap in my life where he used to be, and feeling like I have a piece of him that I can never give back or share with him ever again. I don't feel so much like he holds a piece of me or is a piece of me. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with that whole me not being sure if I "like him like him" thing. That was a major gift. If I would have been that into him despite my misgivings, it would be a thousand times harder.

It was so awesome having my own personal fan club and savior thing going on, but maybe it wasn't so healthy. I need independent self-esteem. So he thinks that I'm the prettiest girl in the world and a super good person in every way. I'm not going to lie, that felt amazing. However, I need to stand on my own and feel good about myself without someone worshiping me.

It's really really hard. What I'm not going to do is get myself into a rebound situation, it's not worth it. Everyone's pushing me to "get back on the horse" so we'll see how long that lasts! Well, at least I deleted his messages and phone number the night we broke up. I have it written down somewhere, but we talked about deleting each others' numbers, so I'm not tempted to call/text him. It wouldn't be fair to him anyway...I broke up with him technically, so I can't contact him.

It makes me feel awful to say this, but a part of me wishes that we'd have never met in the first place. Things would have been so much less complicated.

There's Something Great About Ambiguity: It's Really Confusing!

Not knowing, being completely and entirely foncused is super frustrating. Sometimes it's fun, you get to take things how they come, but usually, it makes me nervous...especially when things seem to be moving way faster than I think they should be. It's totally cool for someone to really like you and be obsessed with you, right?? I don't know about if it's cool in this situation though. There are so many things bothering me, but only one of them is even minutely concrete. What to do? Do I continue and hope that things work themselves out? Or do I stop this before it gets even more confusing? Feelings are bound to get hurt here, because I have this feeling in my gut that this isn't going to end with wedding bells. Yet, I'm sticking with it because I just don't know!!! There's so much going for it, but I think there may be almost equally as much going against it. I'm trying to be open-minded so I'm not shutting this down as of yet, but a part of me is saying that it's stupid to hold onto something when it may be pointless. Is it just me wanting to enjoy this while it lasts? I hate to string people along... Ahhh, I hate the pressure! Why can't it just be? It is whatever it is until it isn't anymore.

Roll With The Punches

It's so easy to rant about all the things that go wrong, complain about negatives, but it's important to also be cognizant of the things that go in our favor.

Things have been a bit tough for me lately, but I think because I was counting the things as they went wrong, I stopped to realize the things that went right. It's tremendous when you're able to count your blessings, however small they may be. When there is so much potential for things to go badly, whenever they don't, it's a positive.

When I talk about things going wrong, I'm refering to the small everyday kind of stuff. This can work for big things too, but they're in a different category. I had a run-in with a superior at work. I didn't get the job I interviewed for and thought I had a fighting shot at. I had a really bad date. Only two of my clients showed up one day at work. A car backed into me and damaged my scratchless new car. I could continue all the things I wish would have been different, but I don't need to spell it all out to get my point across.

This shift of recognizing the small positives things, like I didn't have traffic on the way to work, I didn't have to go to jury duty because my number wasn't called, I got a 'yes' from a potential new date, etc., helps me look at things differently.

Yes, there is a lot that I wish happened differently. Yet, life has it's ups and downs; that's just how things are. We cope through the bad and rejoice in the good. Don't you wish you could bottle that good feeling though for when you feel beat? One tall Euphoria to go please!

Broken Dreams

What is wrong with me?!

I thought it was a positive thing to be optimistic, but maybe if I let myself hope less and bank on things less to be my bail-out, I'd be less disappointed and/or down when they don't pan out. Seriously, life is full of broken dreams and closed doors; I know it shouldn't let it get me down, but it hurts.

Can't anything go my way? Can't I catch a break sometimes? What is it that G-d is trying to teach me about disappointments? I get it, okay? Things don't always go my way. They actually usually never do. When was the last time something went the way I'd hoped it would? Anything that mattered that hasn't been in my immediate control just hasn't ended positively since...maybe I got accepted to grad school?

Perhaps I'm exaggerating or overreacting, splitting, only remembering the bad and not the good, but haven't I had enough defeats for awhile? Why do I feel like my life is at a standstill, that I'm stuck in a rut? When things get tough, the tough get going, right? So, where do I go? Explore other interests, make the best of a hellish situation? I've tried, over and over. This time though, this time, I'm done.

I can't anymore. I really haven't actually been faking that I'm cool with it all. I've been clear to anyone who asked that I'm not. I'm optimistic, positive, and upbeat about it usually though, because who wants to associate with a whining shrew? It really doesn't help to complain. Here's the thing though, I genuinely don't think that my expectations are overly demanding. I've certainly done much with what I can manipulate, but when it comes to things that I can't, there's just not that much I can do. Why can't G-d take the reigns and steer the horse toward the win? What does He want from me already??

What do I lack that He doesn't see to giving me what I think I need? I'm not asking for things that are major and outrageous here! They're basic. He's the one that made me require these things to go on in life. Am I being a blind-sighted faultfinder who thinks she knows better than G-d? I don't think I know better; I know it's ultimately for my best, but right now, I don't think I can go on like this.

Of Bad Blind Dates

Oh, how I hate the shidduch system. I don't know why I would ever want to date someone I've never met before, regardless of how many people say nice things about him. The more positive things I hear, the more I anticipate a good date. And, the build-up to that date that ends up being a bomb... Wow, it's painful.

A simple "yes" holds so much potential. After waiting too long for a date, it just made me think that perhaps this could be "the one." Maybe it's finally my time. So much preparation, mental, physical, and emotional, goes into the date. It holds hope for me. I makes me fantasize of finally being happy, dating a normal guy that I can respect and adore, perhaps even him proposing after awhile. Finally, finally, it'd be my turn to join the exclusive club of "the engaged/marrieds," flaunting a diamond and a cute guy who's devoted to me, no longer having to take the callous looks of pity, the "You're next"s, "I'm waiting"s, etc. I'd finally be able to move on with my life, finally feel like I have reached my purpose as a Jewish woman.

Not only were my hopes cruelly dashed, but he was so off, that it made me feel like there's something wrong with me. Granted, the person who suggested the idea apparently doesn't know me very well, but really! What about all the great things people said about him?! Could it be that we just didn't click, 'cuz I thought he was straight-up brainwashed and...weird. He seemed to have no idea about the real world, and talked out of two sides of his mouth. Yet, he was adamant about what he said and couldn't have a normal conversation.

I'm a fairly outgoing and loquacious person and I manage to make most people feel comfortable, so it wasn't as awkward as it could have been, but just thinking about things he said and did makes me cringe.

The whole experience makes me wonder if I'll ever meet the right one. Will I ever get married? When will it be my chance at happiness? Am I supposed to compromise on something? I'm not overly picky or ridiculous. I'm not shallow or persnickety. What am I doing wrong? What is there left for me to do here? What does G-d want from me? Why are all my friends married, having their first or second kid, girls a lot younger than me dating briefly and getting married, and I'm left here single, dating weirdos, when I have a date at all?

On My Quest For Connection

You know what they say, it’s a two-way relationship; you feel disconnected, who moved?

I was feeling pretty disconnected before Rosh Hashana, disconnected and very discouraged. During Rosh Hashana, the aseres y'mei teshuva, and Yom Kippur, I managed to get a handle on why. I simply wasn't letting G-d into my life enough. Yes, I davened twice every day, but how much of it did I really think about what I was saying? My life became more about staying afloat at work and such. It was more about getting through the day-to-day. It's a little embarrassing to admit that I just didn't care enough about my relationship with Hashem to pursue it as I should have. I was frustrated that He wasn't giving me what I want/ed and think I need, so I think I subconsciously decided to stop trying to make the effort to do what He wanted.

Over and over we hear about how the Yamei HaDin are not for Hashem's sake, but for ours. But really, am I not happier to just do what I want and serve Hashem how I want without having to constantly having to be careful not to do something that I'll have to klop "al cheit" for on Yom Kippur? So it sounds cute, Hashem cares about you so He's taking stock, inspecting what you've done this year...

I didn't always think it was the best explanation. I thought it sounded nice, but it didn't resonate with me. Until it did. This year I really feel like it's true. I was pretty lost. I mean, I wasn't doing anything really bad; I think I just lost focus. Things that should have mattered, didn't. If I wasn't forced to stop and take a hard look at myself, I don't think I would have.

This Aseres Y'mei Teshuva forced me to do just that. And, I figured out how to begin having the relationship that I once had, that I want. It's hard work; I'll admit. Much of it is also not letting the big black things get in the way. It's easy to let those things that are just too hard to not do (at this point) get in the way of all the things you can do with a little effort. It's about working offense and defense. I'm working on my davening, began to learn a really good sefer about connecting to G-d, and I'm also reclaiming control from my yetzer hara -- one lo saseh at a time.

I realized that I can't just do whatever I want and complain that I don't feel like Judaism speaks to me. The more one puts in, the more s/he gets out. Yes, I still feel like having my own family would help part of that issue...as I still maintain that Yiddishkeit is largely about family life. However, there is so much I can do individually -- just me and HK"BH.

At the end of Yom Kippur yesterday at "Hashem Hu Ha Elokim," when with each articulation the Shechinah goes further up to shamyim and leaves our midst, I cried because I didn't want Hashem to leave. It was the same feeling I had the last time I left Israel, my last trip to the kosel. I wept because I didn't want to leave that feeling of closeness I had to Hashem. I begged G-d to stay with me as I went back to Chutz LaEretz, and in this case, as the shaarei shamyim were closing and He was ascending back to Heaven.

But, after Yom Kippur comes Sukkos: the holiday of joy. Hashem stays with us for another week! If only I could bask in His Presence the whole time and stay on that level to feel so connected. There are just so many distractions. I wish I worked at a Jewish place, then I wouldn't have work and my jumbled schedule as a constant worry. I wish other things were different and didn't get in the way of the simcha of the chag. I wish I was able to really focus on purely spiritual things (and only the yom tov-dik physical ones). It's just so hard! It's difficult to find the balance between that world and this one. Hmmm, relationships take work...

Uphill Battling

Why is my ratzon stronger than Hashem's ratzon to me? I'm only human, I know, but then it's only a human whim that I'm fighting. I want to not give into this desire, at least during the aseres y'mei teshuva, but I'm finding that it's almost too difficult for me. I held out for a day and a half, and now I feel like I must give in. I don't even feel like my yetzer hara is playing fair. I don't have a fighting chance.

Perhaps breaking my will is much like exercising. In the beginning, a new workout strains one's muscles, and he has every aching cell yelling for a truce. However, as he continues to workout, the charley horse lessens and then disappears; the workout soon becomes almost easy. He begins to enjoy it. The key, though, is to start out slow and gradually build.

I feel as if my yetzer hara is telling me that I need to take baby steps here just so that it can make me slip up. Don't I have the self-control to just not give in at all?

Not Ready to Face The Judge

I’m just really not ready for Rosh Hashana this year. I mean, when are we really ever ready? But this year, I’m dreading it. I think it’s because this year I’ve just let so much slip. It’s been really hard. I let go of some things that were important to me. The worst part is that when I think about it, they’re just no longer important. I have no inkling in changing any of it back right now. I don’t know if I just don’t have the oomph to put in the work, or what. I’ve let myself become numb. I sort of allowed myself to be convinced that I’m okay with the way I am. My stringency in Halacha has slackened. My boundaries in terms of the media I read, watch, and listen to have slipped. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, per se, I’m just not as focused, close to G-d as I was before.

My way of dealing with life’s challenges has just been to back away a little and numb myself to the pain. I know that part of this is the feeling of not belonging. Yiddishkeit is so much about family life. Without my own family, but with a burning desire to find my husband and start my own family, it’s just been…difficult. Despite vaguely realizing that what I do now becomes who I am and who I will be when I eventually have the responsibility of looking out for a husband’s and family’s ruchniyus, I just can’t bring myself to make those changes or sacrifices. I’ve been exposed to and exposed myself to things that have made it hard for me to keep my focus. There’s so much more to life than what I knew when I was able to keep my priorities straight. Now I just feel like I’m surviving rather than thriving.

I’ve accomplished a lot academically, I know, but now my life has become this grind of slogging through each day at a job where I hate my boss and my supervisor and wish I was somewhere else. It's a lot easier when you're looking toward a goal; once the milestone's been attained, it's harder to feel like you're going somewhere. It’s hard to focus on personal growth when you’re just trying to survive one day at a time. I’ve worked on myself as a person, so maybe I’m being too harsh on myself, but really, I feel like my Yiddishkeit has slipped.

It’s hard to face Hashem and go through the motions of being mamlech Him as melech, when despite knowing deep down that He has plan for me, I’m just finding it hard to reconcile what my life has become. I’m talking about the parts that I have no control over. How many times have I davened for Hashem to give me what I need so I can serve Him? How many times have I felt that He just doesn’t hear me? I think I’ve taken to not caring anymore. I’m still passionate about my values; I still care about mitzvos and halacha and stuff, but there’s this little part of me that just thinks that maybe it doesn’t all matter as much as I always thought it did. It scares me to say it, because I think that somewhere in the recesses of my heart/mind I know that it’s not true and it’s this warped coping mechanism I’ve developed. This is what the pain has done to me.

And now I’m facing Rosh Hashana. There’s so much going on, it’s partially still the summer, my work schedule is a mess, and I’m having a hard time concentrating on the fact that it’s going to be Rosh Hashana. Unprepared doesn’t even begin to describe it. No matter how much time or mental energy I had, I wouldn’t be able to prepare. It’s because, like I said, I just don’t care anymore. I’m sure I’ll go to shul on Yom Tov and daven fervently, but then I’ll be bored the rest of the day and end up sleeping or reading to while away the time.

I really just don’t know what to do with what my life has become. Is there some way to fix it? I know what I’m lacking, but I’m pretty powerless to claim it. It’s all in the hands of G-d, who for some reason unbeknownst to me doesn’t think I need it as much as I do. Every tefilla now is the same. How come I’m just not worthy? What am I missing? What does Hashem want from me? What am I supposed to do this Rosh Hashana when I feel like it’s all become a show? When have I started feeling so disconnected?

I know Hashem loves me, as I Him, but can’t begin to understand the world He put me into, the challenges He has given me. Does the fact that I’m still me somewhat mean that I’ve triumphed, or should I have done things differently? Life is so confusing. I think I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve been given, but there’s this nagging voice in my head that tells me that I’m being too soft on myself, negligent. I know I’m stronger in some ways, but in others, I’ve really just thrown in the towel. What is this voice? Is it the yetzer hara trying to make me feel dejected and down on myself? Or perhaps it’s my conscience telling me I need to shape up? Do I even care enough anymore?

I once heard from a reputable source that if you listen attentively enough, if you let yourself be honest with yourself, then you will know if something is you or yetzer hara. I honestly don’t know here. It seems like it can be both. Perhaps it’s the yetzer hara saying it’s the yetzer hara so I won’t make any changes. I don’t know, it’s my coping mechanisms that are probably the worst, make me feel numb to it all. But then if I give those up, how will I cope? Arggh, how is that I can help countless others to get over whatever it is that’s bothering them and to reach their potential, but I can’t help myself?

My Life Is A Romantic Comedy

...minus the romance.

Well, what can I say? The wedding yesterday was unexpectedly fun. Sure, I'd anticipated it would be somewhat enjoyable, but not like it was. I don't know, maybe it was just about being able to let loose a little. Perhaps it was the pent-up energy from sitting in too much traffic, the adrenaline rush from going from idle to overdrive super quickly. Maybe it was the feeling of being made-up and dressed to the nines, knowing I was turning heads as I walked by. (Alright, I know that sounds vain, but I was living in the moment...) Or could it have been being surrounded by testosterone, the type that doesn't refuse to make eye contact with females, all the cute guys that were pretty undeniably taken? Okay, I admit, there are different types of taken, and just maybe I'm not accustomed to everyone having to bring a date to a wedding. And, possibly the 'cute' part is the alcohol talking -- beer goggles and all that. I promise, I only had two drinks, a Sea Breeze and a Mojito, but it could be that the open bar was contributing to the buzz. I think, though, that the stunning decor, ambiance, and good food helped a lot too. Thinking back, I was in a really good mood, uber confident, totally chilled, super loose, chattering a lot, a bit less inhibited than usual, but that was even before I took one sip of free drinks. Hmmm, well, there's definitely overtiredness somewhere in that mix too to blame.

As I was leaving, I passed a guy in the lobby already in his street clothes; his T-shirt read, "I am awesome." I had the stupid inclination to ask him if it was just his shirt that was awesome, or the dude inside it too. I considered greeting him, "Hey 'Awesome,' nice to meet you!" I didn't. I don't really remember what he looked like, since it was his shirt that stood out, but perhaps I just didn't think he was worth it, even in my fake-buzz, hyper, overtired state.

Pulling out of the place, I passed friends posing and taking pictures by the lit-up coach out front. In my high-minded mood I sent them a text that read: "Hey gorgeous, You left your glass slipper. Call me if you want it back. Signed, Your Handsome Prince Charming." The text was sent anonymously, so we had some good fun with that one during our car ride home.

The day was definitely worth the road trip, even if there was excessive traffic both ways. I couldn't help but wonder though, as I do by almost every wedding I attend, when my prince will arrive.

Falling Behind By No Fault Of My Own

They seem like the idyllic family. He learned in the US, learned in Israel, came back to learn in the US while he was dating, complained that he had to date 3 other girls before he met his wife (gasp!), got married to a 19 year old, moved back to Israel to learn, and now had a baby. Of course everyone is picking up their hems and running to shower them with love and support (the monetary kind as well).

No one offered me a plane ticket. Instead, I was bidden to hold down the fort while they party away in the Holyland with Baby and the new parents. Everyone is telling me that I should be more happy, more excited. I have bragging rights as the proud aunt, but I don't even feel like he has any connection to me. When will I ever get to see him? When they come home for Pesach in ten months from now?

The worst part about that is that the go-to response is something along the lines of, "Well, they'll be here sooner if you get engaged." Like, tact anyone? If I had control over that, I'd have been engaged quite awhile ago.

So then, they're the "normal" family. The ones who have followed life's path the way it's supposed to be done. I'm the one that somehow did something wrong and have been left to pick up everyone else's slack simply because I don't have my own family. I did nothing wrong. It's not in my control when I get married, when I get to move on.

I have a life even if I'm not married. You can't just throw all this responsibility on me and expect me to step into your shoes so you can go party as the proud grandparents. Yes, I live at home and you support me for the most part, but it isn't my job to be the parent when you want to go away. I have a job (which is its own headache); I can't do this too.

Did it ever occur to you that I feel left out? Left out of this occasion of the new baby, and left out of...life. All I hear all day, and if not hear, it's implied, is about how I should be married already. I get it, I want to be married too. You think I don't? Things like this make it that much harder for me.

The younger sister-in-law who was married by 19 and a mom by age 20, never had to think about a thing. Everything was always taken care of for her; she was never old enough to have to make her own decisions, take responsibility for things. Her life just followed "normal." My life didn't come with that setting. Where is my happy ending/continuation? Why is my life stuck on pause? And why do you take advantage of that?

Well, welcome Baby to the world. It isn't your fault all this got stirred up, even if it was your birth that sparked it. I have nothing against you. May you live a long happy Utopian life like that of your parents.

That's My Way of Saying 'I'm More Important Than You'

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection - or compassionate action.” ~ Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

It really kills me when people are selfish. They can think mostly of themselves. Even when they are doing 'favors' for others, it's all really about self. What am I accomplishing for myself by doing this; perhaps people will see me as a more 'caring' individual or think I am better than I really am.

When push comes to shove, these people cannot think about anyone but self. Sure, they pretend they are thinking about others. Heck, I don't know if the show is just for others, or they are fooling themselves as well! If it it didn't bug me so much, I'd feel sorry for them. They truly believe they are good people. For now though, it just makes me mad.

Don't even try. I don't care that you realize x,y,z is annoying! So don't do it. Does it assuage your non-guilt in some bizarre way? Do you not realize what you are doing?

I don't know why this bothers me so much. Perhaps it is because I try so hard to be the opposite of it. I try to put other people first, to help other people. I don't take the last seat in the van when there are 3 other people waiting for a ride. I think about the person I am supposed to go with and make sure that he has a ride. I don't make everyone come to me all the time because I can't be inconvenienced. When I take a favor from someone I try to make it up to them. When I say something, I live up to my word, even if I have to rearrange things and it isn't so convenient for me.

Why can't you be like that too? I'm not asking for the shirt off your back, which to be fair, I probably wouldn't give you either. But, I'm just asking for you to value me as a person and not only think about yourself. Because you don't understand that, you look at me like I'm selfish when I refuse to "do you a favor," ie. let you step on me. How can you be so blind to what you are doing??

Another One Voted Off

Yep, another guy voted off.

Sometimes it's not because I dislike him
But sometimes it's because I just don't like him
Sometimes it's because he doesn't do how I ask
Yet sometimes it's not because he performed badly on a task
Usually it’s not because he is per se a bad guy
But, yes, many times I do have an actual reason why

It’s simply all part of the game

He isn’t exactly what I’m looking for
He simply doesn’t fit the criteria score
Or I felt like we just didn’t click
Sometimes it’s because it’s too dangerous to keep him, he's too slick

The "voting" is the hardest part
Why am I so often left to break his heart?

All Beginnings Are Hard

Anticipation jitters
Nervous of the unknown
But thinking about how far I've come
How I've reached this place, how I've grown

They say all beginnings are difficult
So it's not just this first day
We can get used to anything
Keeping the nervousness at bay

So I'll walk in with my head held high
Radiate confidence and control
Clinching everything
And nailing a triumphant field goal

No one will know
That it is my first
And I'll remember that whatever happens
It always could have been worse

Life's A Beach

Gazing out over the ocean
The wrath of the stormy seas
Pondering how thin
The guise of paradise can be

It takes but a rainy day at the beach
That sends you scurrying for cover
All the truths and lies about utopia
No longer hard to unearth and discover

Some days the sun shines down
Enveloping me in its warm embrace
Others it is shrouded by clouds
And all but hides its face

But it is there either way
This I am certain of and know
Because if it was not
None of these flowers or palm leaves would grow

Presently the wind tousles my hair
Its breath warm on my neck
For whatever hardship today
It promises me a rain check

Things don't always happen
The way that I decide
Things don't always go my way
Not even at the seaside

Some of My Favorite Quotes

Just a few among many of the snippets of wisdom that say so much in so few words.

"...Some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner

“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” – Albert Einstein

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

''Love is what I do for you. Respect is what I don't do because of you. Love is going out of my way for you. Respect is getting out of the way for you. " ―Unknown

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." ―Bill Wilson

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

“Life is more manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party.” ― Jimmy Buffett

"When you learn to accept instead of expect, You'll surely avoid getting hurt and you'll have fewer disappointments." ―Unknown

"We accept the love we think we deserve." ―Stephen Chbosky

"Say something silly. Laugh 'til it hurts.Take a risk. Tell a secret. Sing out loud. Rock the boat. Shake things up. Flirt with disaster." ―Unknown

“Patience is also a form of action.” ―Auguste Rodin

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all-in which case, you fail by default." ―J. K. Rowling

"Life is like a camera, just focus on what’s important and capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don’t work out, just take another shot." ―Unknown

"Slumps are like a soft bed. They're easy to get into, but really hard to get out of." ―Johnny Bench

"Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you." ―Frank Tyger

"A brook would lose its song if G-d removed the rocks." ―Unknown

"Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it's stupid." ―Albert Einstein

"A preoccupation with the future not only prevents us from seeing the present as it is but often prompts us to rearrange the past." ―Eric Hoffer

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ― e.e. cummings

"Anger is our natural defense against pain. So when I say I hate you, it really means 'You hurt me.'" ―Unknown

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” ―Lao Tzu

"Whenever you fall, pick something up." ―Oswald Avery

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." ―Dr. Suess

"Mistakes are what you did, not who you are. However, how you handle your mistakes is who you are." ―Unknown

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." ―Charles Dederich

"Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won't come in." ―Allen Alda

"As you grow up, you learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend, or maybe even fall in love with them...and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time-outs, and no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest. Tell someone what they mean to you, and maybe tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love, but most of all live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back." ―Unknown

"Learn your theories well as you can, but put them aside when you touch the miracle of the living soul. Not theories but your own creative individuality alone must decide" ―Carl Jung

"The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle." ―Unknown

"Life is full of obstacle illusions." ―Grant Frazier

"The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds." ―Nancy Witcher Astor Viscountess

"Frustration is the gap between expectation and reality." ―Unknown

“There is often less danger in the things we fear than in the things we desire.” ―John C. Collins

“When all's said and done, all roads lead to the same end. So it's not so much which road you take, as how you take it.” ―Charles de Lint

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go." ―Taylor Swift

Musings of a Sunny Day at the Lake

The sun is bright, illuminating my world. Its warm rays kiss my cheek as I gaze out over the calm cyan lake focusing on everything and nothing. The warm wind playfully whips my hair around my face. In response to the breeze, the dry wheat-colored reeds ripple and whisper.

Although it's close to ninety degrees and feels like summer, many of the trees are still bare, consequence of a late spring. Yet, the bald trees stand tall and proud, not allowing anything to mock them. They may not have their leaves or colorful blossoms yet, as the world expects them to, but they will, at their own pace. There isn't much the tree can do to hurry its bloom along; they are at the mercy of G-d.

Dogs yip at each other; their owners exchange friendly greetings. Runners sprint by, already on their third or fourth lap around the lake. They are people busy with a mission, while I just sit here and wonder what is mine. The ducks honk noisily as if to say, "Yes, go and accomplish something!"

But what? I'm not stuck here on my own accord.

Birds chirp and tweedle, a car alarm wails off in the distance. Water laps quietly against the shore. Cars drive by, their engines thrumming. Bugs click and hum. A woodpecker knocks rhythmically against a tree. A bee buzzes by. Fluffy white clouds of cotton float listlessly through the brilliant azure sky. Flags merrily wave from their posts. An ant scurries across this page in my notebook.

A cacophony of nature that somehow blends together, each thing playing its part in the big picture. And then there's little me sitting on a bench, reflecting on it all, wondering what my piece is in this big puzzle.

Fighting Reality With Fiction

There's an interesting story about a tenured college professor who was fired from her position when her students brought a picture found on her Facebook wall to the college administration's attention. Apparently, this up-until-now respected professor had gotten drunk at a party one night and subsequently posted a picture of that night's festivities -- herself in a skimpy sailor's outfit guzzling a bottle of whiskey. The administrators argued that in no certain terms did they want such a person molding the minds of their impressionable young charges. Of course the professor sued for her job, and for damages, with the argument that her Facebook was personal and had nothing to do with her professional life. The case made its way all the way to the Supreme Court of her state. Their final ruling, based on a study by some important researchers, was that Facebook is the reality that which its users create for themselves. It is the world that they wish they could live in. Thus, whatever was on this woman's Facebook page reflects who she wants to be, and the college had every right to let her go.

This story, or rather the outcome of the case, brings up many important points of how many people hide behind fake or virtual reality, mostly when their true reality gets too painful to face, or maybe they just need a warranted break. It doesn't have to be through the medium of falsifying one's image via social media. There are many ways that this is done: watching a movie or TV show, reading an absorbing novel, getting really involved in a video game, daydreaming, or some other form of entertainment that one is able to lose himself in. Of course, some of these things are healthier than others. They can be great coping mechanisms, as long as the activity does not become one's new reality.

Personally, the harder things are in my life, the more time I spend with friends, or if they're really hard, engaged in stronger modes of distraction. I can confidently say that the first choice is most likely the healthier one, and talking things out, self expression, is probably the best way to cope with challenges, but friends aren't always available or simply cannot always understand. There's also a limit to how much they want to hear you complain. But not only that, sometimes distractions work better. I guess it's really a difference between chilling with friends as a distraction versus spending time with them as a means to vent. I find that self expression is cathartic, whether it's talking things out, writing, or some other form of creative expression. Yet, some things go beyond that. They require heavy-duty distraction.

There is something to be said for being able to completely leave your reality for a limited period of time. I totally get what drugs and alcohol hold for a user (an occasional user, as an addict is another story). So in the way of looking for a less dangerous and/or addictive option, fiction fights reality pretty darn well.

Someone once told me that his drug of choice was sleep. When one is sleeping, he explained, he's in cool oblivion, unable to feel any of the pain in his life. The guy is now on prescribed antidepressants, but he did have a point, even though professionally that comment did seem a bit unstable. How healthy is looking for ways to distract oneself from reality? Certainly when "things" become the way we assuage pain it can't be good. That usually ends up in you relying on that fix to get to zero; just ask an addict, whether his addiction is drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, shopping, gaming, porn, or internet, I'm pretty sure he'd agree.

I see distraction as a coping mechanism. There's a limited amount of times that you can talk yourself in circles about something without being able to fix it. Although running away from it doesn't make the situation any better either, sometimes you just need to tune out and turn off for a bit. What it boils down to, at least for me, is that distraction takes one's attention, and the edge, off of the painful/challenging/harsh reality of real life.

To Each His Own

So, another run-in with the sefer-hugging, beis medrash-dwelling male relative. The discussion, distractions and s'vivah. The argument, well, said kinsperson claimed that everyone makes their own choices and can land wherever they want to place themselves in life. I said that not everyone can (or is meant to) sit in yeshiva all day cocooned from worldly distractions, especially not those of the female variety within the realm of Orthodox Judaism.

I've made the mistake in the past calling the B"M a "bubble" to the face of a date, as well as arguing that "in the 'real world'..." Yeshiva guys don't like that very much.

Really, what am I supposed to think/say? Those around me like to blame it on college educated liberalism. Others might argue that college education and exposure to the "real world" helps one to become his true self and break out of the indoctrination of the "yeshivish" education system.

I don't think that there's one golden middle path. To each his own, I say. Yes, the purpose of this world is as a corridor to the next, and we're supposed to find ways to become closer to our Creator, but how we should accomplish this is individual to each person.

I'm not you, and you're not me. My potential and my tafkid is different from yours. You're not Joe and Joe isn't you. If you did what Joe did, maybe that would be wrong, but let Joe do what Joe does, and it may be right for him, even if it's wrong for you. I disagree with the pretense that you must decide he's wrong and you're right, so that you don't get influenced by him. I respect your decision to sit and learn all day (ok, maybe not so much the part where someone else pays all your bills), so please respect my decision and my best attempt to do what I hope will work for me with the tools that I was given.

My challenges are different than yours, and quite frankly, I don't know what yours look like. I mean, to me it seems that you're almost on paid vacation. You get to be involved in intellectual stimulation all day every day, living with your wife who cooks all your meals and does all your errands and laundry, and someone is paying all your expenses.

You want to argue that I'm too open-minded and I let too many distractions into my life? Well, I have yet to be presented with the choice to learn all day, live in a place I love with the person of my dreams, and not have a care in the world.

I pursued a career to take responsibility, to help support a family one day. None of that is even in my control. I wouldn't need things to fill the empty ache in my life if I could've, like you, come home from Israel and gotten married within the year.

It's great that you know what G-d wants from you, because I sure don't know what He wants from me, and neither do you. Had He wanted me not to go to grad school, things wouldn't have worked out the way they did. I mean really, what do you expect me to do? Sit around and be a playgroup morah until a knight in a white station wagon sweeps me away to live a life of learning and taking others' money?

And it's a Wrap!

Not to sound sacrilegious or anything, but I'm kind of glad Pesach is over. Done, finito, nigmar. Eight days of family-time is a little bit too much. It's too long to wear that faux smile and be gracious to too many siblings, their spouses, their kids...too many relatives asking what's new and meaning, "So are you seriously dating someone?" Combine that with no carbs (aside from scrumptious matzah and some potato inventions) for a week, and I'm just about ready to call it a wrap, or a pizza, or some other food that contains real flour not eaten at a meal hosting the whole fam. Now everyone can just go back to their happy little lives and leave me to figure out mine.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

When we say "v'damyech chayee," "by your blood you shall live," in the Haggadah, we're referring to the dam of meilah and karbon pesach; however, it struck me that this can also be an endorsement (or rather source) for the popular maxim, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

The Jews went through g'henom in Mitzrayim, but they came out a strong nation, much stronger than when they entered the land. We go through so many hardships in life, but it is these situations that make us into who we are. If we are never challenged, we cannot grow.

Self-Esteem and Poker Chips

Popular educator Richard (Rick) Lavoie has a brilliant take on self-esteem. It is affectionately known as the "Poker Chip Theory." Lavoie purports that some people have huge piles of poker chips, and these people are undeniably unstoppable winners. Others start off with just a couple of short stacks in front of them.

Watch any World Series of Poker and it's quite evident that almost always when big stacks meets short stack, big stack throws his weight around. Also, short stack is usually cautious and timid.

Every morning we wake up, we pick up our stacks, and head to our poker tournament. A disgruntled word with a roommate, sibling, etc. robs us of some chips from our stacks. An angry driver or insane traffic, near accident, or the like depletes 3 stacks, and by the time you reach work, you're down 4 stacks. You may have only woken up with 7 stacks, so you're down to 3 stacks to last you an entire day. Your day begins in earnest and you realize you're right up against a deadline and not feeling very confident you're going to make it. Your ever efficient coworker offers to help you out and bungles her assignment, but don't worry about her because she has lots of stacks of chips to fall back on. You reach your deadline just in time and get praise from your boss. Up some chips. You break for lunch and bump into a friend you haven't seen in forever. You chat, she compliments you, you laugh over a shared joke...chips are piling up...When you get back to the office there's a crisis, but you have a poker chip reserve to fall back on and make it out of there without any tears.

To make a long story short, somethings deplete poker chips more than others. However, instead of avoiding such situations, we just need to head into the game stronger. We need to find ways to grow our chip stacks.

Living Life in Limbo

During the days before Pesach, we kind of live in limbo. With the almost Pesach-dik kitchen, no chometz in the house, preparing all we can for the upcoming holiday, we are neither here nor there. We’re doing all this hard work to prepare for what is to come, and it’s at the extent of our here-and-now. The thing is, it’s kind of hard to avoid that. If you don’t toil on erev Shabbos, you can’t eat on Shabbos.


So, most people may feel like this only before Pesach, but this is what my life has become. I’m living in limbo every day. I’m waiting for someone to hire me for a job; I’m waiting to find my bashert and start a new life with him. The only difference with my limbo and the limbo before Pesach, is that with Pesach, we know when it will arrive. We can make a schedule based on what we have to do before it gets here so we’re ready when it’s here. Also, the limbo stage is not indefinite. It does not become the question of, “Is this what my life is destined to be?” While of course I question when I will find a job and when I will meet my husband, I know when Pesach will come, so I don’t find myself asking if Pesach will come.


Living in limbo is difficult for a lot of reasons. Most people don’t understand what my life is like. It’s always the “It will come; be patient,” comment. I guess people don’t know what else to say, and it’s true, I’m sure it will come. However, you still need to eat the week before Pesach even though your kitchen and house are in the “not quite Pesach-dik but no chometz allowed” phase. I still need to feel productive even though I’m waiting on life-altering events. It’s hard to wait, especially when I feel so stuck.

Expectations

Sitting here and wondering,
With this list in my hand and pain in my heart,
What is it that is keeping
Me and my zivug apart?


Am I unrealistic or too rigid
With my criteria for a soulmate?
Why is it that I
Just can’t seem to get a date?


Is searching for the persona that I’m seeking
Akin to looking for a needle in a haystack?
Am I confused about what I need -
Between what is opinion and what is fact?


Do I truly know what I need,
Or is it really all just what I desire?
How can I be sure what is best for me,
What I actually require?


I know I want a learning guy.
Do I need to change my dream?
Perhaps my brand of “worldly”
Doesn’t come in that particular theme.


Just because “out of the box”
Is my wish,
Does that also have to mean
Out of the Beis Medrash?


I’m looking for a guy
Who is a bit of a gavrah,
Does that automatically translate into
‘Somewhat of a baal gaayva?’


An individual thinker
Is the type I am looking for.
Can’t they also have a rav and be sho’el eitza -
Why do, daas torah, they ignore?


Am I being too particular,
Is it too much?
Is what I say I am looking for
A contradiction of such?


Part of the equation
To this question,
Is what happens
When someone makes a suggestion.


I know that people have ideas,
And people call my references.
But do the guys that they are redting
Match my list of preferences?


Why is it that these suggestions
Never come to fruition?
Is it merely because
They just aren’t good propositions?


Perhaps people may not understand
What I say I need.
They redt a different type
And so they don’t succeed.


But as much as I can wonder if few dates
Means I’m doing something wrong, sort of -
I know I just have to trust myself
And trust the One Above.


There’s lots of room to second guess myself
And to think I’m doing something wrong,
But it’s more helpful to hold onto my dream
And wait for my bashert to come along.


We’re used to things being immediate,
To seeing fruits of our labor right away.
But that’s not how it goes
When we do hishtadlus and pray.


Hashem knows what is best for us;
It’s all in the plan.
Hashem is the One in control,
We must only do what we can.


If something is important to you,
Don’t throw it away.
Just hang in there, hold on tight,
You will have your day.

My Circuitous Labyrinth

How long am I meant to, in this circuitous labyrinth, wander?
Accompanied by many questions to contemplate and ponder.

Why meet so many people I am not meant to know,
John Doe after John Doe after John Doe after John Doe?

Why like people I can’t be friends with, be fascinated by someone I’m supposed to forget about?
How can I not get emotionally involved, not form a lasting connection, and just keep going out?

Can I miss someone I’m not supposed to like?
Can I like someone I’m not supposed to miss?

Why form a relationship, a connection, to then part ways and never speak thenceforth?
It begs the question of how much is this really all worth?

These are not just items at an auction, but real individuals that I date.
I’m an empathic people person, how can I not, to these guys, relate?

Why do I feel bad to be the one to ultimately say no,
Even if it is in the end an undeniable definite no-go?

Why is it that some guys seem to think that getting along is enough?
Even when hashkafos don’t match up, why does the no come as an unexpected rebuff?

Perhaps my feelings are too acute, too real, to be successful in this game.
Or am I just seeking something concrete, for my heartache, to blame?

Will these emotions stand me in good stead when the right one comes along?
Or is the emotional investment a sign that I’m doing something wrong?

Is there a method to the madness; a reason for the curse?
Perhaps an easier way through this parsha to traverse?

Why does this system feel so fake?
To me, it’s quite hazy and opaque.

Does it protect me; make me better off in some sense?
Is it, in some way, a protection of defense?

So much to cogitate and to ponder,
As I continue to, in this labyrinth, wander.

Feeling So Stuck

Feeling so stuck here
What do I do here
Who do I turn to here
Why am I here
How to get out of here
Its so lonely here
I want out of here


Your reality is in your hands
You must issue and command
Don’t be passive, be proactive
You must not be inactive
You want something, you must try
Yourself you must apply


How does this advice fit in here
Nothing I do can get me out of here
I have no control here
It’s all up to G-d here
What can I do to leave here
I don’t want to be here

A Dater Not A Wait-er

I may be a dater,
But I needn’t be a “wait-er.”
I won’t let life pass me by
While I await my proper guy.

I can get caught up living for the future,
But I need to realize the present can be super.
When I fantasize about that day to come,
To the moment I am numb.
I fail to recognize the good in the second,
As my future happiness beckons.

Even though I am single,
My life can still assume a twinkle.
There’s so much good I can miss,
Because most of it I dismiss
When I think life starts after I meet him,
And before then all is grim.

Though the in-between stage can be hard,
I won’t play the sympathy card.
Dating may not be fun,
Yet it’s part and parcel of this run.
Feeling left out is another trial of this stage,
Waiting to join all my friends who’ve turned the page.

Yet, I won’t compare myself to all those who’ve moved on,
To those who have down the aisle gone.
Only my reality plays a part here,
My reasons for wanting to move on are truly sincere.

I’ve got to ride the waves, the ups and downs,
Realizing it’s okay to smile and to frown.
It’s a challenge, I won’t deny,
Playing this game I want to defy.

But it’s my reality you see,
Only when I accept it can I be free.
When I relinquish my pseudo control,
I can better understand my role.
G-d is the One in charge,
To succeed, my trust in Him I must recharge.

As painful as this parsha is,
I know it’s a nisayon, a quiz.
G-d is the diamond cutter, and the diamond is I,
This process is to make me more beautiful thereby.

Although, as much as I trust in G-d and live in the moment,
Getting married is still a big proponent.
Yet, just because I am dater,
I refuse to be a wait-er.

The Shidduch Crisis and a Numbers Game

The January 19th cover story of Ami Magazine was about the shidduch crisis. The article claimed that there is a demographic time bomb ticking in the yeshiva world. The age gap between boys and girls entering the shidduch market combined with the high rate of population growth has meant that there simply are not enough guys relative to the amount of girls.

The article discusses all the myths why there are less boys than girls, including but not limited to the fact that this problem is not based in pickiness or that more boys go off the derech (which is not true). Simply, there is an age gap and there are not enough 23 year old boys to marry all of the 19 year old girls; as per common mathematics and common sense, the younger the generation, the more people it contains.

In the Ami article, Shimon and Yisrael Lichtenstein push for a plan that will have bochurim not go to yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel, but rather start going to Lakewood or other yeshivas in the US at the age of 20-21. A recent kol kore was signed by many Roshei Yeshiva calling on bochurim to marry earlier.

To me this raises many questions about maturity and marital readiness, hishtadlus, bashert/zivug hagon, and much much more. I have a lot to say on the matter, but my gut reaction is that yes, there is a concept of hishtadlus, which we should partake in. However, are we so dense to not realize that G-d holds the key to this particular issue? This is so hard for everyone because it's one of the few things that the illusion that we are in control is almost too thin. G-d controls the world and everything in it, yet there is a concept of teva and we think we control a lot more than we do. In this case our hishtadlus does not reach as far as it does with other issues.

The numbers game makes sense statistically, but it does not make a lot of sense practically. "19 year old girls marry 23 year old boys, which leaves an age gap, etc." Do we not believe in the concept of a bashert/zivug? 40 days before a child is conceived a bas kol is heard in shamyim saying "bas ploni l'ploni." Are all these people not marrying their zivug hagon??

There isn't an answer to this dilemma. Each generation has their share of challenges. This is one of our's great nisyonos. Instead of chasing our tail and making ourselves crazy, we should work on strengthening our emunah and bitachon, and working to become better people. Perhaps in that zechus our "crisis" will be averted.

Accept not Expect

I once heard some very wise words: "Frustration lies within the gap between expectation and reality." When we expect less, we are always less disappointed. When we expect something to happen and it doesn't, we just end up feeling gypped.

Now, how exactly does this work? When we expect something to happen and it doesn't, we are setting ourselves up for failure; yet, shouldn't we have some expectations in life? Aren't there expectations that are healthy?

It is true that if you don't expect to win the lottery or to have a party for your birthday, when it happens it's quite a pleasant surprise. On the flip-side of this coin, if you expect to be paid on time or for everyone to remember your birthday, and it doesn't happen, then you are sorely disappointed. Seemingly the first option is the better one here. However, isn't having no expectations a quite pessimistic view on life? You don't expect people to smile and greet you when you walk past them. You expect there to be traffic on the way to work. You expect there to be no dinner when you get home. How does that make you happier?

Perhaps like everything in life, there is a balance, a fine line between expecting and accepting. It is healthy to have some expectation, but when things don't roll your way you just have to accept it as part of life. I'm not so sure that it's healthier to have negative expectations just so that you won't feel let down when things don't go your way. Part of being an adult is learning to accept disappointment. Things can't always go your way, that would just be boring. Variety is the spice of life; you've just got to accept that.

Objectivity or Subjectivity As a Prerequisite to Initiating Lasting Change?

In a sense it is always easier to call someone else out for something they have done. It's also easier to give someone else advice and tell him or her what s/he is doing wrong and how s/he can be happier. But when it comes to our own faults and flaws, it's always, for some reason, so much harder to get a handle on them.

There is great strength associated with the ability of being able to be honest with yourself. Admitting to your own faults and follies just ain't as easy as it may seem. Unless someone is really down on himself, people generally are biased toward their own abilities and actions. I think it's rooted in the concept known as self-preservation.

Even taking a true honest to goodness hard look at oneself may not cut it. Our subconscious has so many reasonable excuses prepared for why we may do something or act a certain way. And you know what? Many of those reasons could be 100% legit. See, when it's an explanation of what you have done, you are privy to all the background info. When you pass judgement on someone else, you just don't have all the facts, plain and simple. You may think you do, but bottom line, you don't.

Perhaps that is why it is easier to advise someone who is not you. There is a clear objectivity. You are not enmeshed in every aspect of the situation, so you have a clearer picture of what might help alleviate some of the stress or whatnot.

Of course, the person needs to be interested in helping himself or herself in order for you to help him or her. So here's why subjectivity is necessary. Imagine how hard it is to change yourself. Now realize how hard it is to change someone else. You really need to be in the situation to understand the pain versus the gain; it's kind of like a seesaw. We weigh things cost against benefit. Only someone experiencing the pain/gain can truly make changes.

So then what about the objectivity? Okay, so it's not really about the actual changing of the other person per se, but the objectivity of being able to clearly call him or her out on something, being the one to point out contradictions or better ways of functioning, giving advice, and pushing the person past contemplation to action.

Do you think that if we loved someone as much as we loved ourselves, we would be able to criticize them? I mean, we easily give people whom we love advice, just as we can give ourselves advice. The issue in that is the heeding of the advice. As an example, we might tell ourselves not to eat that third cookie. Whether or not we listen to that advice is another story. So even if we give ourselves advice, we generally don't brutally criticize ourselves. Even when we're feeling self-critical, we usually find excuses to explain everything. As an aside, there definitely are those who suffer from occasional (or frequent) harsh self-critical inner voices and self-destructive behaviors, but I'm speaking to the general self-loving practices of confident people with good self-efficacy.

So consensus that healthy people don't callously criticize themselves, perhaps not people they love either. On the other hand, we criticize in the name of constructive criticism when we care about someone and where we think they are headed. Does constructive criticism exist in the realm of self-criticism? Again, it's easier to objectively find fault in another.

I am beginning to think that unless someone is super self-aware and focused that to change a character trait that is greatly embedded in one's personality or situation, it takes outside help. This assistance can be from a good friend, mentor, or rabbi type. A good therapist is probably a best bet.

While subjectivity is definitely needed to work on the problem and actual generate changes, objectivity is typically necessary to point out things that the person embroiled in the issues is blinded from seeing.

A Tall Euphoria To Go Please

I wish that I could hold onto that feeling of euphoria
From when things have gone my way,
Put it in a package
For some other rainy day.


I wish that I could bottle that feeling-
The taste of success that’s oh so sweet,
Save it for some other time
When I’m feeling totally beat.


When I work hard and accomplish
And fruits of my labor I do reap,
I wish I could stash away that great feeling
For a time I feel like I need to weep.


I realize though that in reality life’s not really like that.
We need to ride the waves - the ups and downs,
Many times we will feel like smiling
But understand it’s also okay to frown.


So we need to hold onto our achievements
And recognize our true worth - we should;
You don’t need to be floating
To about yourself feel good.


But after a long day,
Perhaps when things are about to blow;
It’d be great if I could grab that
Tall euphoria to go.

Goodbye...Forever

It’s not that I don’t value you
I still see you the same,
But we’ve said goodbye and closed the door
Went elsewhere to stake our claim.

The decision that we made
Was with both our good in mind,
So when you ask me to revisit this
I find myself in quite a bind.

In order to try again
We’ll need to invest more than before,
When all I want to do is put up a wall
And not a door.

I’m scared I’ll get hurt again
Or the pain will belong to you,
This feeling of “it’s not going to work”
Will not be anything new.

It’s not that I don’t value you
You have so many good qualities,
But we’ve said goodbye
And it’s forever - understand that please.

I know you respect my judgment
Which makes this harder here for me,
Am I acting too harsh or too rigid
How do I know what’s the right way to be?

I just feel that it will only serve to harm us
Revisiting what we had,
It will remind us what we cannot have
The situation will be everything and bad.

So goodbye forever once again
You know we can’t "just be friends,"
It just cannot work like that
This, like before, needs to be the end.

Happily (Ever) After Finding Your Soulmate

Some things are just so elusive to me, namely, true happiness and contentment. So I wonder, what is lacking within me? Why do I need others for me to be happy, content? Am I just a product of the system, led to believe that contentment sets in and life can only be lived "happily ever after," where "after" connotes happy only after (I find my better half)?

Now, I do believe that one can be happy and content in life with only his own approval. There are, however, basic safety and belonging needs that need to be met before self-actualization, true contentment, is possible. The question is then, what kind of security needs, what kind belonging and love, is the minimum level required to be happy? I’m sure it’s different for every person. It is perhaps rooted in early attachments and one’s level of self-esteem. Maybe it's even about expectations and general life productivity and accomplishments.

So here’s my pondering point: is this a lack in emunah, meaning that Hashem knows what is best for me and I’m contending with G-d trying to determine my own destiny? Is this simply a test meant for me to overcome? Does the key to the challenge lie in my ability to boost my self-esteem and efficacy? By realizing that G-d is in control and I need only to hand over the keys, will I be more happy?

I know the drill. "Keep yourself busy with other things; do things that you excel at and can gain positive feelings from accomplishing." etc. etc. Yet, there is still this deep ache inside of me. I feel like there is something missing. Perhaps it keeps me searching for the one who can fill that gap. Maybe it is just one of my big challenges in life meant to keep me on my toes and somehow make me a better person. It scratches at my surface like a diamond cutter cuts his diamonds, its purpose to make me more beautiful.

Relationship Exchange

Everyone who comes into my life I learn from,
They make an impression on me.
Commensurate is the impression made
With position played in my life and time I've spent with the addressee.

Likewise, in every (attempted) relationship
A part of me I leave.
I give every person my one hundred percent,
I’d like to believe.

Whether it’s a mentor, teacher, potential spouse,
Or a friend,
Depending on the situation
Correspondingly I extend.

Is there a way to return the piece of the other’s essence
I subsequently hold?
A way to take back what I’ve shared
And render things told untold?

The paradox is that if I want a relationship to have a chance
I’ve got to put up lots of overhead.
But it’s rarely equal give-and-take
And sometimes I end up in the red.

I invest
And don’t always get proportionate return,
I guess though there are valuable lessons in every encounter
Just waiting to be learned.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Darkness
Absence of light.
Darkness so stifling, so crowding, so depressing.
Attempting to navigate the murky waters
I search for a way out.
There is no end in sight
In fact, there is nothing in sight.
How can I see when I am surrounded in darkness,
Shrouded in shadows?
Where is that ray of light that worms its way through the crevices of even the most airtight tomb?
There must be a light at the end of my tunnel
When will I get there?
How long is the journey?
Is it as arduous as the last half has been?
More grueling?
Or is it easy going from here on in?
Where is my patch of sunshine in this dark, foreboding world?

Differentiation of Self

Self-Differentiation (a term coined by family therapy pioneer, Murray Bowen) is a progressive, internal interplay between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while progressing toward developing and known goals. Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge. To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self.

Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.

Differentiation is described in many ways in the following points:

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others.
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes; taking no victims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a "Knight in Shining Armour" who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.
16. Paying the price for building, and living within community. I am not suggesting some form of communal or shared living. I am suggesting the differentiated person finds a place with others while also being separate from others.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

By Rod Smith, Reposted from: http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/

The Green-Eyed Monster

Is this what jealousy feels like?
A dagger, twisting deep deep into my soul.
It robs me of my inner peace, my sense of competence, confidence, and control.
I want to be happy, I do
And I rejoice for you
But it is about me I think when this emotion overcomes me, however undefined
This feeling, this feeling of being left behind
As you move on, I'm no longer in your company, but an observer
And so this wave engulfs me as I sputter and thrash around for a life-preserver
In all other areas of my life there is this illusion that I am proficient and have control
But here, it is not so
It rubs salt in the wound, when you move on
It makes me question what is wrong
Why have I been chosen to stay behind while I watch everyone else waltz into the sunset?
But the dagger only twists deeper as I attempt to remove it
I try to convince myself that I am happy for you
And I am, despite the rest of the stages of emotion I first pass through
I only wish my happiness was not tinted in ugly shades of green
The glow from the eyes of the monster inside me so obscene