How to be a Good Shadchan Repost Plus

Granted, every shadchan has his/her own style, and some are super busy and just practically don't have time to do this right. But, aside from what's outlined in this post, there are a few other things that might be helpful to remember when setting people up.

Don't just fling names/resumes at someone and hope it sticks. Please explain why you think it's a good idea. "Oh, right, I had that idea, okay, just sent him your resume." (Probably along with three other girls'.) Really, and he's going to look at it why?

Try to get the two parties to communicate. Make sure there's a sense of accountability. If one party cannot, please help him/her explore why and communicate that to the other party. It's important information when trying to establish a relationship.

Get back to the parties ASAP; you have a responsibility towards them. Navigating an early (shidduch) relationship can be awkward and nerve-wracking. As the shadchan you have the power to alleviate that a bit. Be on top of the two parties and communicate what's up in a timely fashion.

Treat us with respect please even when you're not working on an idea for us. Don't do things that feed into the anxiety crisis that shidduchim has become. If you ask that people email you on a consistent basis just to touch base, then please acknowledge the reach-out. If people pay to come and meet you, please follow up even if nothing comes of your ideas. Just treat us as people and recognize that we're so burned out of meeting shadchanim.

Self-Esteem Poker Chips Repost

I was reminded of this poker chips theory recently when a situation happened with a guy that I was pretty confused and hurt by. Thank G-d my chip stacks haven't been depleted; it's good to have a reserve.

My Circuitous Labyrinth Repost

Here's a personal favorite. Written in early 2013, I still think this way all the time.

"Shidduch Crisis" Repost

Same old, same old. It's the anxiety and want of control. Is it really a numbers game?

What's Exchanged in A Relationship Repost

I wrote this poem back in 2013 about how I feel like I usually end up in the red when I put into relationships. It's the bane of dating authentically. I still feel like this.

Self Differentiation Repost

Self differentiation boils down to being able to separate thoughts and feelings, the capability to look at yourself as an emotionally developed individual, an identity that allows you to be autonomous in a way that helps you be healthily connected to another. Pretty sure it's self-explanatory why this is so important for marriage!

Out-of-Office Vacation Message

Hey there,

Thanks for visiting!

I'm on vacation this week and taking a break from blogging to focus on sipping Mai Tais on the beach. While I'm away, my daily posts will be replaced with reposts of old pieces. Make sure to follow the blue links...

A Lichtege Chanukah and Happy reading!

Feeling Alone

Sometimes I just feel
So very alone.

I so badly want, at the end of a long day,
A place to come home to that I can call my very own.

I crave a family, a man,
A best friend, a lover.

Someone with whom I can share my life,
Our hopes and our dreams we'll jointly discover.

This isn't necessarily when I have no one to date,
But when I'm busy building castles in the sky.

It's when I'm dating someone who doesn't appreciate me,
Pinning my hopes on a clearly wrong guy.

I'm a communicator,
Always looking for connection.

And so I get stuck seeking
The wrong guys' affection.

When will this treasure hunt
Come to an end?

And until then
With how much more drama will I have to contend?

Wheeling and Dealing

There's a normal give-and-take in any relationship, a reciprocity if you will. In an early relationship it's the shared banter, the mutual disclosure, exchange of personal information, as two people get to know each other. And sometimes this giving and taking refers to actual items.

The extent of what I've given someone I was dating is pretty nominal. I once gave a guy a bobby pin for his yarmulke after it blew off multiple times, and I told him to keep it as a gift when he tried to give it back to me at the end of the night. Okay, okay, seriously, I've baked cookies for a few guys. I brought back a specific candy from E"Y that I knew the guy I was dating at the time liked. Despite my primary love language being words of affirmation followed closely by giving/receiving gifts (with others in close succession), I think my 'giving' in relationships pretty much includes cards and letters. I'd venture to say that that's mostly because it's this hard balance when you're dating someone and not sure where it's going and thus what's appropriate. (Oh, and I once wrote about fifteen pages of a twenty page grad school term paper for someone. He manipulated me into that one by saying that everyone's wives do their papers for them...I don't remember exactly how it went down, but I think it was a topic that was easy for me. It better have been, because that relationship ended in flames.)

What I've received from guys, though, is a whole other story. I've gotten really thoughtful care packages for my drive home from a date, flowers, candy platters, notes, love letters, the token Dave and Buster claw (and ticket) prizes, a trip to Miami, and then the "lent" items. One guy gave me his scarf for two weeks while he went on vacation somewhere warm. He just forgot the walking stick...literally, he gave me his scarf and called me his Tamar. (Not really a compliment if you think about it.) A different fellow gave me a blanket he keeps in his car (it was that time of year when summer turns into fall and it was cold on the beach that evening). Later he told me that the person who used it after wanted to know why it smelled feminine. 

Jesting aside, offering or accepting a gift, or perhaps it's one's own item of clothing, which is a more intimate gesture, suggests a level of comfortability, familiarity, and likability. Giving (and/or accepting) items means something, the same way complimenting someone, acting familiar in other ways, expressing your interest in someone, etc. implies something. If you're not there, you have to be careful about sending mixed messages and stringing someone along. It's also just not appropriate (at that stage). If you want to date like that, be cognizant of the fact that you're coloring outside the shidduch dating lines, and that's fine, but it comes along with its own set of responsibilities and accountabilities. 

Mixed Messages

Recently my friend sent me a meme she came across on Instagram: "He's the king of mixed signals and she's the queen of getting her hopes up."

How often does it happen that people, guy or girl, transmit mixed messages that leave the other party scratching his/her head? It's sort of par for the course with shidduch dating. People often don't communicate, and there is no real sense of accountability when either one can go back to the shadchan at any time and decide not to continue pursuing the shidduch.

My friend dated a guy who took her out for five hours on their first date, they hit it off apparently, and he showed her that he was into her during the consecutive three dates in which he played her his favorite love songs, gave her flowers, and just in general strung her along. After their fourth date, with no hint whatsoever to the girl herself, he told the shadchan that he didn't want to see her again.

Honestly, if he had the clarity that she wasn't for him, that's great, but if he wasn't sure about her, he needed to tone it down. You might argue that maybe he really did like her and then something came up, but there is a mentchlach way to navigate this. You're dealing with a person who has feelings, not a name on a paper!

Once upon a time, in a situation probably written about multiple time in these pages, I was dating a young man whom I ended up going out with for quite some time. However, in the beginning I was really confused about how I felt and thought about him. On one hand, he was a really good guy and I was sort of intrigued by him, but on the other, there were things that bothered me, I didn't really like him (at that point), and wasn't really sure I wanted to continue. Confident and forward as he was, I remember him asking me towards the end of our third date, "What's up? How are you feeling about this? Do you want to go out again?" He followed that up by saying that he felt like he was getting mixed messages from me, so he had to ask what was going on in my head.

Although I felt put on the spot, I appreciated his open communication. That conversation actually fueled our relationship, the fact that we had this really candid and honest dialogue. I recall answering his question with something to the tune of, "You're right, you're getting mixed messages, because I'm having mixed feelings." Because he asked, I was able to explain that I wanted to follow down the potential that I saw, but I was withholding, because I wasn't really sure where or if things could go and didn't want to lead him on. He reassured me that he's a big boy and could take whatever comes, and he just asked that we talk about what was going on. And so, off we set into the sunset...until our sun set. (Little does he know that this is sort of the model that I now like to base my dating communication on.)

It really all comes down to the communication thing. If you're at the point that you're on a date, ie. meeting a potential marriage partner, you're two adults trying to establish a relationship. You can hide behind whatever guise you'd like, be it using the shadchan as your buffer and/or to do your dirty work, (phony) flattery and flirtation that keeps things from getting real, or simply just not being genuine with the person you're seeing. Yet, this only goes so far until it blows up in your face, or more likely, the face of the person you're dating. Again, you're dealing with a person, not a name on a paper. Yes, people get hurt in situations like these, but you have the power to make the hurt less. Therein lies the difference between hurting and wronging someone. There's a way to do this properly.

Reserving Judgement

Back in the day when someone having a Facebook account was a deal breaker for me, I went out with a guy that mentioned on our second date that his account was public. Honestly, I think I was pretty torn about this. I knew he was a good guy, a keeper in so many ways, but I couldn't get past the fact that he had Facebook and considered it "normal." Common sense told me that I needed to understand that factor with regards to who he was rather than making a judgement off the cuff.

People are complex (even when they're simple), and we each have so many different defining factors. It's easy to judge people regarding what we perceive on our little "petri dish" dates. We make conclusions about people based on isolated incidents and condemn them without bothering to get to know who they really are and what these things really mean in that context.

If someone uses a word that you're uncomfortable with, it's easy to just "say no" and keep things moving. Using colorful language, especially on a beginning date, can definitely be a pink flag, but one word is a whole different story. It doesn't give the person a status or say anything about his/her character necessarily; it just means s/he used a word you don't like. We sometimes lose the forest for the trees. In this particular instance it could just mean his/her lingo varies from your own and s/he could tailor his/her speech if it's really that offensive to you.

On another occasion, I was dating a fellow who, when I first met him, I felt made fun of people freely. It bothered me a lot, and I remember thinking that it was a middos thing. I could have dropped him like a hot potato, but I could tell that he had so many other great qualities. I filed that piece of information away, and I made a note to watch out for it as I got to know him. Happens to be, as I learned more about who he was, I realized that he didn't have bad middos. His "making fun" wasn't mocking, and he overarchingly treated people well. Had I gone with my unthinking reaction, I would have lost out on learning what he really was about.

When something that someone does on a date generates a gut "I need to break-up with him/her," response, it's always a good idea to get in touch with the why. Generally you'll find that what happened triggered some other experience(s) for you. It means that you're projecting your feelings about someone or something else onto your date. It could very well be that the guy/girl you're currently dating shares like characteristics with whomever you've had a negative experience with in the past, but it might serve you well to see how the person at hand wears this trait. Not everyone who is an independant thinker ignores daas torah, for example, nor does being confident mean domineering/pushy.

Jumping to conclusions means you miss out. Would you write someone off as quickly if you met him/her outside of this shidduch laboratory?

Rejection

If you google the word "rejection," you'll come up with some mighty interesting facts about this phenomenon. This TED talk makes a case for practicing emotional first aid, treating the damage that rejection wreaks: casualties to one's mood and self-esteem, intolerance for criticism, and how it destabilizes our need to belong. The same psychologist writes an article for Psychology Today claiming that the emotional pain that rejection elicits "piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain," so much so that "Tylenol reduces the emotional pain that rejection causes." He also proposes that rejection "temporarily lowers our IQ" and it "does not respond to reason," often "sending us on a mission to seek and destroy our own self-esteem."

There are theories about about how this need for belonging is rooted in the human "hunter-gatherer" past in which acceptance within a tribe was necessary for survival. And, other research by psychology professor Arthur Aron (and colleagues), known for his work on intimacy in interpersonal relationships (most famous for his 36 Questions experiment), suggests that rejection hurts so much because when people are in close relationships, their sense of self becomes intertwined with their partner's.

Obviously there are different levels of rejection based upon the situation. Dating has given me the opportunity to experience the gamut from both sides of the fence. With regard to which is harder, being rejected or rejecting someone else, perhaps I'll think on that one and get back to y'all on that. However, there is an important insight that I've picked up in my travels that I'd like to share.

Dating isn't a chessed. Rejection isn't personal, and it really just means that the relationship wouldn't work in the long run. You can't keep dating someone just because you feel bad to hurt him/her should you break it off. It may hurt regardless, but it will hurt a lot more when the rejection comes later in the game. Because of the uniqueness of our system, the focused way we date, should we recognize that a relationship would not thrive marriage-wise, it's not a "nice" or "positive" thing to string it along. Of course there are better and worse ways to break it off, but continuing once someone has that clarity defeats the purpose. (Going on another date or having a conversation with the person to clarify and/or help the other person gain closure falls within the realm of "better ways" to break it off. Remember that it's still a person you're dealing with and just because "these are the rules to the 'game,'" it's still real life and you still need to treat people nicely and with middos and respect.)

If you can wrap your head around that fact that a rejection is not personal and at some point it probably would have been you breaking up with the person had s/he not done it at this point, it's easier to put things into perspective. We need to consciously be aware of the narratives we create about an experience. It's easy to blame yourself and say something like, "I did/am something wrong. S/he thinks badly of me, etc." Another way to see it might be, "There was a miscommunication/lack of communication, and in the future, with the right person, we'll be able to get through these type of things and be better off for it."

It's so important to promote resilience in the face of pain. Your worth is not tied up in the person who walked away from you. Remember, if s/he can't appreciate who you are, you deserve to be with someone who does. People are different and don't value the same things. In a simple example, it's like telling an objectively really good-looking person that s/he isn't "your look." The person deserves to be with someone who thinks s/he is gorgeous. If it can't be you, then you shouldn't be with him/her. Let the person walk away who doesn't want you, s/he isn't rejecting you, s/he's rejecting the aspect that wouldn't work in a marriage. You don't want that relationship anyway; s/he just has that clarity now, and you would have come to it at some point.

When a F and T Collide

Similar to this post, this one is about using personality typing to understand the interactions between opposing personality types. While Myers-Briggs doesn't define who people are, it definitely explains how different people see and interact with the world.

A developed and self-aware individual can get along just fine with any personality combination; however, Fs and Ts often collide when they aren't as aware of what their driving force is and how people are dissimilar. (The Feeling/Thinking dichotomy is about how people make decisions.)

Ts typically shield their emotions and do not easily share them. They approach everything from a logical standpoint, overriding their feelings and feelings of others with rational thought. Fs follow their heart and are expressive with their emotions. Fs are driven by a different kind of logic, a thought process that puts their feelings and emotions, and those of others, first. 

Ts often approach dating and relationships as a set of goals; it's a rational process for them. They will often abruptly "cut their losses" if things don't logically make sense to them, giving them a "ruthless" reputation. They sometimes forget that there are a myriad of other facets through which a situation can be viewed, and they are known to stick with their pragmatic perspective. Ts have a hard time understanding Fs emotional needs (if they are even aware of them) and/or their emotional expressiveness (especially if said F is also an "Assertive" E). 

Fs are totally committed to The Relationship and seek to connect to and gain closeness to people from the outset. They take relationships seriously and go to great lengths to understand and protect people's feelings. To a T, a F's need for connection can seem pushy or overbearing, because Ts don't get where it's coming from and disclosing their feelings doesn't come as naturally to them.

While a F might approach dating by trying to connect emotionally with his/her date, make decisions about moving forward in the relationship based on what s/he's feeling, Ts are more likely to see it as an intellectual operation, checking off boxes and making the choice to move forward based on practical aspects.

Because Ts may not understand a F's needs, may not be able to cater to them, may think that Fs are needy, and may be unable to see things from another's perspective, Ts and Fs don't usually do very well in a relationship unless they are consciously aware of how they experience the world differently and make an effort to be mindful of the other's needs.

Communication, Clarity, and Closure

The three C's of dating. They're probably also some of the most important things involved with shidduch dating.

Communication is super super important in all relationships, but especially when you're (shidduch) dating. In the beginning of a relationship, you have little context to understand the other person. It's all very formal and oftentimes stilted. It doesn't lend for an atmosphere where you can be yourself and try to build on natural dynamics, unless both of you agree to date a little out of the box. You don't know what makes the other tick, and you don't have a base from which to anticipate his/her triggers and/or interpret his/her reactions. It's easy to be wrong while making assumptions about what something meant, and it's always helpful to keep in mind that there are probably seven other ways to understand what someone said or did.

Early early on in the dating process really communicating can be tricky, because you don't know the person, so you may not want to share your personal thoughts and feelings with someone you're not sure you trust with them. However, this is the way you build a communicative relationship. It's good practice. Perhaps in the very beginning it's more comfortable to communicate through a third party, but often things get lost in the translation, and you'd be best to bite the bullet and just put out there what you're thinking. If you find that you're not being received well, that's a sign too that things might not work. If you do felt heard, the communication can strengthen your relationship.

When things get hairy, it's a positive practice to talk about it. If you have a question or an issue, address it. You're building a relationship with someone, you need to be able to say what you want or need, or understand something. People don't read minds, and so you need to talk about what's bothering you. It's likely something the other person wasn't even aware of. There are so many differences between people based in gender, personality, culture, etc, that you cannot assume anything. You may be looking at a very different world than the other person. It doesn't mean you can't get along, it just means you need to take some time and work it out together.

Clarity too is really important. It often goes hand in hand with communication. Clarity in dating refers to understanding who someone is and if who s/he is works for you. It's about understanding the dynamics of the relationship and what the other person is saying, thinking, feeling. Sometimes it's about the whys of the relationship -- why something fits or why it doesn't. It's the understanding beyond, "I like you." It speaks to the "Will this work for marriage?" component.

Closure is about what happens after a break-up; can you emotionally close the door on the experience. Sometimes closure is easy, because a relationship really didn't make sense. Sometimes it comes naturally, because you move on quickly with someone you feel like is 'better.' Sometimes it's hard, because you feel like things were left in the middle, there wasn't clarity regarding why it wouldn't work, you know why it wouldn't work but you still really like the person, or you feel like you were wronged. (If you were wronged in a situation, rather than just hurt, it's more difficult to forgive the person and move forward.)

Getting closure when ending a relationship is an art. You want to know that you explored the possibilities, you weren't being hasty, and you're not hurting the other person. Proper break-up etiquette and sharing with each other why it's not going to work is helpful in this regard. You can't always get closure if the other person doesn't want to talk about it, can't explain why they're ending it, or just isn't receptive to what you have to say. Sometimes closure is also unattainable because there are unresolved issues or feelings. Time and moving on helps with this if there's no way to resolve that.

Closure is important, because it helps you to keep going instead of continuing to reread the last chapter of your life over and over. Also, if there's no closure, you might think you want to date the person again when really there's nothing to talk about, but you just didn't gain clear enough clarity or close the door firmly enough.

Communication, communication, clarity, and closure. (Yes, communication belongs there twice!)

Phones on a Date

Back in the old days we used an actual GPS or perhaps printed directions to get to the destination on a date. Nowadays we use our phones for everything. It used to be rude to take your phone out on a date, now it's common to access something on your phone to share with your date, whether it's pictures, something relevant to dating or getting to know you, looking up a hechsher, finding a location, etc.

I was once dating someone who had some trouble focusing and single-tasking. He was very distracted by everything -- watching the TV over my shoulder, checking out every person who walked by, and constantly taking his phone out of his pocket to look at every time it vibrated. On our 6th or 7th date I asked him (not in so many words obviously) if whatever WhatsApp conversation he was missing was more important than our date, and he apologized and asked me to hold his phone for him. Couldn't he have just put it on silent/do not disturb?

I think that sometimes we don't realize that we're being rude. People are so used to having their phones attached to them. When I'm out with friends I try not be on my phone unless it's something important, but some people don't have that sensitivity. There's a thing about when you go out with friends everyone puts their phone in the middle of the table, first person to take their phone to look at foots the bill for the evening...

On a first or second date your phone should probably stay away, but once things are more natural, less formal, maybe it's okay to pull it out for something. I guess I just hate stiffness and formality. If something makes sense then why do we try to conform it to a box it doesn't really fit into? It's like the "rule" about eating out on a first date. If you're hungry, go get something to eat. If I want to share something I painted or wrote, I'll take out my phone to show you.

The "Hard to Get" Seesaw

Dr. David Lieberman, the human behavior and relationships guru, in the same dating/relationships talk in which he spoke about mental health issues and red flags, discussed the delicate balance of give and take in an early relationship. He spoke about how there needs to be some sense of holding back, "playing hard to get" if you will. Pop psychology explains that this increases your mystique, attraction and desirability level. Being needy and clingy, over-interested, is unattractive, and if the other person thinks that you worship him/her then s/he may start thinking that s/he can do better.

On the other hand, if you're distant and aloof, the other person may begin to believe that you don't like him/her, that you aren't into the shidduch, so s/he will begin to develop a distance and think about all the reasons why s/he doesn't think it will work. Some of that is probably resentment, and part of that is him/her protecting himself/herself. Being straightforward with someone develops trust and honesty in the relationship, and it contributes to someone's feelings for the other.

"Playing hard to get" may increase desire (to pursue someone), but it decreases positive feelings towards the person. There is a delicate balance here that needs to be achieved. If you like someone, you don't need to show everything, but let him/her know that you're interested in him/her, committed to seeing things through.

Pictures

I used to be loath to send a picture with my resume. Now if someone asks for it, it's easier to just send it than to fight them. I think in general it's a dumb concept. If you want to date like that then sign up for a dating site where you can have access to a potential match's multiple profile pictures. 

People say that it's in your best interest to send a good picture of yourself, because you never know what picture that person might see of you otherwise. It's easy to find a picture of someone nowadays, whether it's online, via your own social media accounts or a friend or family member's of yours private social media pages. Maybe they know someone who has your phone number and you have a WhatsApp profile picture or the like... Or perhaps your friend or relative thinks they're doing you a favor and forwards a pretty unflattering photo of you.

Many people pride themselves on their online privacy. If you google their names you'll perhaps come up with a bunch of references to their professional work, or their name in the Whitepages, or any of the other scams that promise you everyone's info for the low price of $10.99 for absolutely nothing, but they're pretty sure there are no pictures of them online. How many pictures of you are floating around on other people's phones though?

So, to be honest, when I get a resume of a guy with his picture, I usually say no. Not that looks matter, because they don't necessarily, it's about the person inside, but when you aren't introduced to the inside person at the same time as the two-dimensional, it's often hard to remember that. 

There's a certain amount of chein that people have that make them attractive that doesn't come across in a picture. I remember a few years back a shadchan asking me for a picture. I don't think that I'm super photogenic, but I shared one begrudgingly. She pestered me four or five times for a "better picture." "C'mon," she said, "You're so pretty, don't you have a better picture?" I wanted to respond, "If these pictures aren't good enough, I'll send you one more, and I'll even autograph it. The dude can marry the photo of me, because I sure am not going out with him if this is the big deal you say he's making about a picture." Since then I learned how to take better pictures I think. It's called sunlight and a chill with my brother and his professional camera. But really, why must we reduce people to their two-dimensional image? 

Your Spouse Cannot be Your Everything

There it is, in black and white (blue and white anyway).

Marriage is not a hospital; it does not fix all your problems. The only thing that marriage cures is being single. It helps with loneliness, but there inevitably will be sometimes that you will feel alone in your marriage. It helps with your lack of social life, but you will still need friends. Your spouse will not always want to hear all your chatter (this is usually in the direction of girl to guy). It will help you "fit in" perhaps, but there will always be a "next stage" that you're waiting to reach.

You cannot look to your spouse to fulfill all of your needs. S/he isn't physically capable of that. S/he can support you and help you seek out the correct avenues to meet your needs, but there are many things that s/he won't be able to do for you. If you expect him/her to be your everything then s/he will live in the shadow of your disappointment and it will greatly hurt both of you.

You need to have friends, a relationship with your parents and family, time for yourself, passions, hobbies, maybe a career...personal fulfillment outside the relationship. Your spouse doesn't need to be involved in all of it, but hopefully s/he will cherish and support all your endeavors. S/he is your home base that you come back to at the end of a long day. 

Realize that your spouse is only human and s/he may make mistakes, and you need to give each other the time and space to work through these things. S/he won't be a mindreader; just because you're married doesn't mean you share a brain. Gender differences, personality dissimilarities, cultural disparities, etc. will all play a part into how you interpret things and interact with the world. Marriage/connection doesn't mean you see and understand things the same way all the time. Communication is key, always. 

Happiness comes from within. Marriage will help, sure, but realize there is so much you can be working on presently. What trips you up now won't go away. All these issues will be the same, multiplied. Living with someone you barely know (no matter how long you date someone) is a challenge in it of itself. Add many other changes that come with marriage, and you're now swimming in a whole new sea of demands. 

Maybe this is obvious, but now's the time to work on yourself. People who get married later and have had time to get to know themselves and work on themselves outside of a system (elementary school to high school to seminary/yeshiva...) usually fare better in a marriage. 

Red Flagged: Mental Health Issues (And the Like) in the Context of Shidduchim

Stigma of mental health disorders. Stigma of therapy. Stigma of addiction. Stigma of a divorced home. Stigma of anything and everything...

When it comes to shidduchim, we stigmatize and stereotype a lot. We look for the "perfect" individual, judging someone based on information we find out about him/her before we really get the chance to meet him/her and judge his/her character for ourselves in relation to who s/he is.

There are certain buzzwords that scare us, and if you're dealing with a mental health issue or such of your own, it's probably actually a good idea to stay away from using those words yourself. The list isn't limited to, but includes words like, "mood disorder," "psychotic breakdown," "manic," "addict," "broken home," etc. Obviously, it's important to be honest about what you're dealing with, but because the layperson generally is ignorant of what these things mean, it's a better idea to explain it in a way they will chap what you're dealing with rather than throwing scary words at them.

Dr. David Lieberman, a renowned expert on interpersonal relationships and human behavior espouses the idea that if you know what an issue is and it's managed, it is perhaps a red flag, but it is not, in no uncertain terms, a deal breaker (unless for you it is for whatever particular reason...for even something simple like having red hair, for example, can be considered a deal breaker I guess).

He talks about how the only red flags he considers inflexible are unmanaged anger issues, an obsession with one's image, arrogance, being rude/disrespectful, and a (genuine) addictive personality. For every person who is diagnosed, in therapy, managing their condition with medication, ie. they're aware of the problem and working on it, there are countless others who are not diagnosed but have the same or similar problems and should be, as well as be in therapy and/or on medication. The person who is dealing with his/her issue is the responsible one, the one who knows what challenge is and how to deal with it.

Obviously, if the person isn't managing his/her issue well, then that is a different story. If someone tells you s/he'll quit drinking, smoking, other pathological/inappropriate behaviors after you're married, that is a redder than red flag. It 9.9 times out of 10 will not happen. However, if the person has already gotten to a place where they are working on their issue, they're working a program, they're responsible about what is going on, it's less scary than the person who hasn't owned up to the issue at all. Also, anything can happen at any time, and somewhere down the lines the "perfect" healthy person can develop a mental illness or whatever too.

Dr. Lieberman also adds that if you're concerned about genetics, that your children will have what this person has, the bigger factor in psychological health is environment, not so much heredity. Relatedly, he posits that a person's parents' shalom bayis matters, but less so than the person himself/herself's middos and how s/he treats people in his/her family.

I think Dr. Lieberman takes a very liberal stance on a lot of this, because it often isn't as simple as he makes it seem. At the end of the day, I always go back to how we need to think about if this person is the right person for me. Can I deal with this thing? Can I handle this baggage?

Can Dating Someone Be a Segula For Marriage?

Okay, so obviously, if we're talking segulos in the sense that you're doing something specific to bring about something, obviously dating would be the biggest segula for marriage. It's hard to get married if you don't date (or engage in any other like activities of meeting someone). So then let me explain what I mean.  

Guys tend to get engaged/married right after dating me for a long time. It's happened in two out of the four serious relationships I've had. One of them came on the heels of a very long on and off relationship, and nine weeks after we finally broke up the final round, he was engaged. The other one I dated for a relatively long time too, and we almost got engaged. The breakup was out of nowhere, and five later weeks, almost to the day, he was engaged.

So there you have it. Dating me seriously is a segula for marriage (to the next girl). 

I've tried to understand this rationally, but I'm not sure that there's a logical explanation. Here's my attempt at trying to figure it out. 

Maybe you believe the theory about how a guy has his pick of girls, so when he wants to settle down he will with whoever is at hand, ie. until he decides to get married it doesn't matter who he dates. Perhaps in the course of dating me, I've helped him figure out what he wants and needs, so he's ready for marriage with the next girl. Even if it couldn't work out with us, maybe our relationship made him realize how good a relationship can feel, so he settles down with next girl (who is better suited for him). Or maybe there's a certain amount of hishtadlus we have to do before meeting our bashert, and dating me (or anyone) for a long time finally fills up the jellybean jar.

Possibly I'm a segula, or just some bad rebounding is happening. I sometimes think about how they're just someone I dated, but I will forever be the girl they dated for a long time (longer than they dated their wife) before they got married. ...Happy rebounding! 

An Open Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

I know you're out there somewhere, you must be! I've been holding onto the image of you for a long time; it helps me get through the ups and downs of dating -- the light at the end of this tunnel that can get so dark at times. I'm hoping that when I meet you I'll understand how the "right one" is worth the wait.

It's difficult to formulate the words that I want to say to you, because I don't know who you are, so perhaps once we meet there will be so much more I want to say, and some of this will just be silently understood.

I am looking forward to a relationship of mutual love, respect, and trust. A life of loving, growing, communicating, solving problems, critical thinking, raising children who are Yarei Shamayim and Bnei Torah, sharing a home, responsibilities, a life, ideas, dreams, celebration, hopes, accomplishments, and even our fears. I am anticipating raising our family and building our home deeply rooted in Torah values and honesty. Our life we will live will be rich and dynamic, and I want to make a difference as a supportive wife and mother, as well as within the frum world at large.

I hope we have an exciting romance, but I also hope there will be days we can just chill and enjoy each others' company. You will be my best friend, my confidante, the person I can never spend too much time with, my forever. And, I will always be there for you, your moral support, your shoulder to cry on. I know most men don't like getting emotional, but when you need someone to talk to, I will always be there to take care of you.

I know our relationship may not always be perfect, but I hope you will fight for me, as I will you. I want you to be the one I turn to when things go wrong, and know that I will always be there for you when things go wrong. I hope to make you a happy you didn’t know before you met me, the kind that makes you never want to live your life without me. I hope too, that being with you, this is the kind of happy I’ll be. I hope that we can live every day remembering why we got married, that we will remain the people we respectively "fell in love" with, appreciating each other's qualities and even imperfections.

I hope that we can enjoy the simple things in life together, and that we can hold onto the things that are really important. You will be the kind of man that I'm proud to show off to my friends and family. And, I want you to be proud, happy, and excited that I’m in your life. I hope you will believe in me on the days I do not believe in myself, and love me in the times I cannot love myself.

I hope we will have the perspective to not let problems turn into disasters, pain turn into suffering. We will know that together we can work through anything if we share what's on our minds and work together, recognizing that we're the most important thing in the world for each other. I will be your best friend, always, and I will support you in your moments of weakness, celebrate in your times of success, holding your hand every step of the way...as I know you will do for me.

I hope that even after many years together, we will continue to learn each other, compliment each other, grow together, and never take the other for granted. Each day our relationship will get stronger, and we will remember the day that we got married, laughing about how we thought we knew each other back then.

I cannot wait to meet you, and until then know that I am working every day to be the person that is the most available to give and receive love, to succeed the most in a relationship.

All my love, always.

The Structure of a Shidduch Date (Dates 1-3)

I preach "go with the flow," "color outside the lines," "break the 'rules'," "loosen up," yada yada yada. And, I wholeheartedly believe it; there is no set way to do this, and none of this will be true across the board. I realize everyone probably likes to do things a little differently, so this is just based on my own observations and experiences. Only if you're looking for ideas of how to do this, this post is for you.

(As a side note, all this comes after a number of years of dating. I probably would have told you that a lot of this is crazy, had you told me this, in my own words, when I first started this parsha.)


Date One:

This is all about first impressions. Generally you're going out with someone that you haven't met before. You may have heard a lot of good things about him/her, and you're hoping that the date will confirm all of it.

If you're the guy, you may get to meet her parents, and this gives you insight into her family life. If you're picking her up from her house, you get to see where she lives, and this may or may not be information you'll tuck away for later should things progress. Perhaps you'll talk with her parents before meeting the girl herself, and how you greet her when she makes an appearance surely makes a difference.

I remember the first time a fellow who came to take me out on a date looked up from his conversation with my parents and gave me a warm smile as I came into the room. It was early on in my dating career, sure, but it's still sort of troubling that I remember this as a thing, because shouldn't everyone acknowledge the girl they've come to date? I remember, too, the guy who winked at me as I entered; that was a bit off putting. (I'd never met the guy in my life, he's sitting there talking to my parents, and we hadn't yet exchanged any conversation. Not the appropriate time for a wink.) Or, the guy who didn't look at me until we walked out the front door, and then he turned to me and said, "So, what's up," as if the whole scene inside with my parents was incredibly boring and a farce. ...Happy medium! Say hello and be respectful.

Generally, the guy runs the date and picks the location. (A setting in which they can have conversation and begin to get to know basics about each other is ideal.) Sometimes he'll choose to share where they are going and even ask her if it's a good place, and sometimes he'll just start driving. I've been on the receiving end of, "I was thinking about going --here--, how does that sound?" many a times. On the one occasion in which I told him I'd prefer to go somewhere else, he got upset, because apparently I was taking over and trying to run the show. I was confused, because I thought he was asking me where I wanted to go. Turns out it was a formality. Who knew?

I've been asked to help navigate on dates, and that's totally fair. If I had to drive, make small talk with a new person, and follow a GPS at the same, I might also get discombobulated. It can make getting to a location a joint effort as well, and one person doesn't have to feel like s/he takes the blame if they end up driving hakafos around a location because they can't find the right turn off. Collaborative navigating can also help a date in terms of conversation for the car ride.

Speaking of which, this date usually is fueled by small talk. It's about getting a general sense of the person, how you feel in their presence, if you are on the same wavelength (at least peripherally).

Regarding the date's length, that's covered in this post.

Walking the girl to her door at the end of the date is a nice practice even if you think it's all show. A simple "Good night/day," "It was nice to meet you," and "Thank you," is quite enough to leave your date with.

If you're using a go-between, getting back to the shadchan right away is the mentchlach thing to do. After a first date there is little agonizing about whether you want to go out again. Either it's a hard no, or it's a yes...it's only a first/second date after all. The other person is likely waiting to hear back regarding whether you want to see her/him again, and they may be nervous about it. Allay their fears by relaying your decision in a timely manner.

Date Two:

This date is still early, and doesn't hold that much significance. Often people will give someone another date even if they're not really feeling it, because they're giving the shidduch another shot in the hopes something new might blossom. (Oftentimes this does happen, but sometimes the second date just confirms what you may have already known to be true.) Of course, seconds dates can be a lot more than just second chances.

In my opinion, this is a date where the couple needs to do something. Not necessarily "do something" do something, but it should be more than just a repeat of date one. You already hit all the small talk, and you still don't really know this person, so you aren't yet having a deep connecting personal conversation. Therefore, having a fun part of the date (like doing something active, see this post for ideas) could work, or really just changing up the scenery, like going somewhere where there are external distractions so you don't have to come up with all the material yourself. Playing a low-key game could be an idea. Sometimes working questions into the conversation from Loaded Questions, The Ungame, or other like games works too. I've done Myers-Briggs type questions/quizzes too on dates. It's an easy way to get to know someone, by trading Myers-Briggs quiz questions and learning about the person's personality preferences. In the age of the smartphone, it's pretty easy to come up with something.

On a date, once upon a time, a guy introduced me to "Shidduch Bingo." It's low prep, because all you need for the game is two pieces of paper, two pens, and a scissors. The way the game goes is you cut your paper in half, and make one half your bingo board. Draw five rows by five columns, marking your middle space as free and numbering the rest of the open spaces randomly with the numbers one through twenty four. On the second half of your paper, you and your date each write twelve questions. Don't forget to number them! Examples might be: What's your favorite food? What was the last book you read? Or, you could throw in some more intense questions like, What's something you're working on right now? Since it's a second date, you get to decide how in depth you want your answers to be. You can answer that one about what you're working on with a "I'm working on finishing this paper for school," or you could say "I'm working on being more patient with people when they make me upset." The questions get cut up and folded up into the middle. You and your date take turns picking questions at random (and you both answer every question no matter who picked it). After you answer, you cross off that number from your bingo board. First person to get bingo wins! (You can of course keep playing until you've answered all the questions.)

A second date can be longer than a first date, because you have some feedback that the person isn't completely dying of boredom or that they're feeling like it's completely off base. (S/he agreed to another date with you.)

Again, getting back to the shadchan in a timely manner is the nice thing to do. If you need some time to think about things, at least let the shadchan know that, and the shadchan can decide whether this is important information to convey to the other party. Feedback is so important in a shidduch situation. I know I stress this a lot, but it's wrong to go out with someone and give the impression that it's all good and then discontinue the shidduch through the shadchan.

Date Three:

Third dates don't have to mean anything at all, but when you agree to a third date it normally means that there's something there for you. Perhaps it's all on paper, and you're trying to reconcile the intellectual with the emotional, or it's the opposite, and it's all emotional and not rational at all. There is the option, too, that things are progressing nicely, and you "say yes" to a third date, because you genuinely think the shidduch has potential.

Third dates can be longer and a little less formal. It's a good date to begin to get to know what makes the other person tick. If you didn't do something on the second date, definitely do something on the third date. It can be a date that has multiple parts, starting at one location and continuing somewhere else. For example, you can go somewhere and then go for a walk, share a meal, whatever. Having an active part of the date followed with a more serious one is good dating strategy (for this date, or later, depending on what you're up to).

Also depending on what you're up to, the end of this date may be a good time to have a conversation about where you're holding. (Many people will wait until date four or five, but if you're feeling like it has potential and you're getting the vibe that the other person thinks so too, go for it.) Asking a girl out at the end of this date may be appropriate, but obviously don't put her on the spot if she hems and haws. It probably means she's not that into and she was going to "say no," or she really needs to think things over. The proper response to the "I'm not sure," when you tell/ask her, "I had a nice time, and I would like to see you again. Can I call you to set up another date," or some permutation of that, is "Okay, we'll be in touch through the shadchan." Everyone dates differently, and for some the comfort or ease doesn't kick in until much later, and they will keep the shadchan until a much later time.

Same rules apply about calling the shadchan after this date.

I always find that even if a couple is still using a shadchan after date three (to communicate whether or not they'd like to continue seeing the person), there's at least a certain familiarity there, and it's helpful for them to set up date arrangements themselves. I was once on the phone with a shadchan and things started to get complicated, so she called the boy and had each of us on separate lines conveying what the other was saying to each. It would have been easier to just have conferenced the calls, so we could talk directly.

Relatedly, even if a couple has dropped the shadchan altogether, it can be helpful to check in with the shadchan periodically for feedback purposes. This has helped me get through a handful of shidduchim. Because you're still trying to get to know each other and you may not be comfortable to tell everything to the person himself/herself, talking it over with the shadchan who can then relay the important parts to the other person, or the shadchan can give you some perspective on your doubts, can be helpful.

Levels of Attraction

What's behind attraction? Is it simply just "click," or are there other things at play?

I truly believe that everyone connects differently with their significant other, and the deal gets sealed with different aspects in mind for each person. Some people come from an emotional place -- they have feelings for the person, and they feel like they connect on a deeper level. Others see it intellectually -- details of a shidduch make sense to them rationally.

If we're going with the attraction (rather than as an intellectual choice) version, on the reptilian brain level, our survival mechanism, our animalistic function, we pay attention to externals. We assess looks, health, status, etc. A guy once told me that as per a Seinfeld episode, he thinks lustrious hair and rosy cheeks are important (I can't remember the rest of that list), but those are both indicators of one's health. This part is usually subconscious, unless someone places a lot of significance on externals...keeping in mind that I do think that external reflects internal (if you like who someone is as a person, you will likely find their physical appearance attractive).

On that note, our mammalian/limbic brain appraises emotional attraction. Is there trust, comfort in the relationship? Does the person match your emotional intelligence level? have a uniqueness, a je ne sais quio, that "one thing"? Is there a sense of excitement? Do you enjoy the person's company? Perhaps intelligence is really crucial for someone. "Sapiophiles" are people who are attracted to intelligence.

Then comes the logic. (Not in this particular order necessarily!) Do you have shared goals, values? Does the person treat you right? Do you like who you are in the person's company? Can you grow together?

If we use "love" as it's used in the vernacular, its stages usually go from lust/excitement, to romantic attraction/passion, to attachment/commitment, as we peel away the layers of who someone is and why we're attracted to him/her.

9.5 on the Richter Scale

There are many different "systems" that people use to assess the potential of a relationship and/or the attractivity or "click" with their date. Some people swear by their method, while others just sort of play it by ear and base their dating on how they feel as they go along, or what boxes they can check off.

One person told me that his way is to give each of his dates a number on a scale of 1-5. "Ones" are basically the one-and-dones, the people that there is no merit in seeing it past date one. A "Five" would be someone who this person fell for shortly after meeting and would marry in a heartbeat. The way the person explained it is that the number someone might be assigned after a first date usually doesn't change, but sometimes it does. "Twos" usually get a second or third date, and "Threes" generally get about three dates. A "Four" is someone who might actually be marriage material along with a "Five."

Another person outlined his theory in that he thinks that each person has a certain shidduch value and that everyone will end up marrying someone within a 5-10 point range of their own number (out of 100). People get points for different things, and obviously each person assigns their points differently. While I might think that someone gets 30 points (as an example) for being a learning guy, someone else would subtract 40 points for the fact that he's learning and not working. Everyone also spends their points differently. So, if someone uses a good portion of his/her points on looks, he may have to compromise on smarts or middos.

There's the common "Three Strikes and You're Out" method too. Although, generally people are more generous with their outs allotment. Perhaps there are certain semi deal breakers that presented separately may not be a large issue, but taken all together are too much for the person to handle.

Honestly, all these techniques seem sort of rigid and demeaning to me, especially when people get assigned a value. I get it that some people need things to be concrete, but I like to go with the good ole "Does this feel right? Do we have the same values? Do I enjoy spending time with this person? Does he treat me right? Do I like who I am with him?"

Why must we over-intellectualize everything?

Treat Her Like A Lady

Sometimes young men forget that we're not one of the guys. It's in the language they use, the things that they do, and the stories they tell. Sometimes they forget that she's a girl they're dating, not a bro or just someone they're hanging with. What may be acceptable in the dorm or among friends just isn't on a date with a girl you just met.

Some of it is common decency, like don't set up a Skype date and then text her five minutes past the time you arranged and tell her that you're still an hour away from home and can you call her later. Some of it is superficial formalities, but opening the door for a girl means you're taking this shidduch dating thing seriously. It makes her feel taken care of when you walk her to her door. If you must tell her about your friend that manufactures collar stays that each read a day of the week, leave out the comparison to other articles of clothing that might display the day of the week on them.

She doesn't want to be greeted as "Hey, Girl!" We don't live in the 'hood. Be respectful and don't "what's up" her as she walks into the room in which you're engrossed in conversation with her parents. Smiling and acknowledging her, or even a "hello" is okay, but "what's up" rubs us just a little the wrong way. Off color jokes or stories should be avoided too...self explanatory. Certain words or topics, although they may be how you talk with the guys, just aren't becoming with a girl. Don't say "chick" or tell us how quick your shave/shower took you. After you've known her for a bit you can reassess what's fair game, but even then, please treat her like lady, Meghan Trainor style.

Myth or Fact? Guys Mature Later

Girls mature earlier than guys, hands down. Science supports this fact that females mature in specific cognitive and emotional areas before males do; it has to do with the optimization of brain connectivity.

Obviously, this isn't true across the board, as there are a lot of guys who mature younger than their peers, and there are plenty of girls that think they're ready for marriage that aren't mature. For this reason, there isn't a blanket "right" age for people to begin to pursue marriage.

I've gone out with some guys who were a lot older than me that weren't even close to what you may call a grown up, and part of me wonders if they will ever get there. On the other hand, I've met some younger guys that were responsible adults with an impressive maturity level.

I'm sure we all have a different definition of what's mature, but I think most girls would agree that calling a girl "hot stuff" and fighting over who gets to date her or "dating geography" in which each player has to name a girl who is in shidduchim whose name starts with the last letter of the previous player's play...toes that line. Personally, I'm not sure if it's funny or pathetic.

Sometimes a couple grows up together. Sometimes marriage and responsibility helps the couple along. And sometimes, the girl learns to just roll her eyes and let her male counterpart indulge in whatever it is that seems childish to her.

Dating Showdown: Which Way Is Harder?

Which is more difficult: dating a lot or not dating at all?

Some people would rather to be dating all the time, feeling like they're popular, people are thinking about them, they're wanted, etc. Maybe dating is fun and they like connecting with new people. Dating also helps to feel like they're doing something to change their single status. You can't get married if you're not dating, after all.

On the other hand, dating a lot and not meeting the right one could make someone feel like there are no normal people out there, that this is all an exercise in futility. Also, it's taxing to keep meeting new people and go on date after date. For a girl there's a lot of prep involved, and for a guy it might be annoying to constantly plan and finance. There may be traveling involved too. There's definitely time and energy invested. Dating someone for a long time and then breaking it off is also hard. Emotions are invested and heartbreak it real.

Not dating though has its own sets of challenges. It leaves people to think: Maybe nobody likes me, so no one is interested to go out with me. Perhaps there's something "wrong" with me. No one is thinking about me. I feel dejected and discouraged. Will I ever get married? I can't get married if I don't date. I have no chance at this if I'm not meeting people; my dating skills will get rusty.

Which is the lesser of the two evils?

Presentation and Expectations

How you present yourself when meeting a shadchan or on a date absolutely matters. As much as we hate being judged, we all do it. It's how we make sense of the world. Basing your understanding of someone on your first impressions of him/her hardly seems fair, but if that's all you have to go on, you have to make do.

What sort of impression do you aim for in a job interview? It's all the same sort of thing -- a scenario in which you basically get one shot at representing yourself. Put yourself together nicely and be on your best behavior.

If a shadchan consistently sets you up with a specific type of person, it's very likely that you made that sort of impression on the shadchan. Some people don't make good first impressions, and their "greatness" lies beneath the surface. It can be an issue in these situation types.

For a date, hopefully you may get a chance to make a second and third impression if it really matters. (If you don't get that chance then it probably doesn't really matter, meaning, if someone writes you off that quickly, you probably don't want to be with such a person anyway.) With a shadchan, you may have some leeway, as you can always follow up, and talking to someone after they set you up -- explaining why something wasn't for you -- helps him/her get a better picture as well. 

It's always important to be yourself, but if who you are only comes out when you're comfortable (and you're not comfortable meeting new people), you might have to push yourself for an initial meeting. Practice makes perfect, especially when perfect (perfectly yourself) eventually becomes natural.